#emoweek

lovely weather we're having, no?

wanted to check in and log what i've been up to so i don't forget years from now. this is my scrapbook tbh. 

i think in order to keep myself somewhat balanced i started making to-do lists. the lists could definitely be compiled of more constructive activities but honestly i'm cutting myself some slack. "debone salmon", "dust off ceiling fan blades", "do not drink beer", "email reductress (beg)", "listen to the new yves tumor album" ... i feel like this to-do list unfortunately encompasses whatever emo portion of quarantine i'm experiencing at the moment. #emoweek continues - apparently it's monday today. 

i think the main contributors to my #emoweek would have to be 1) covid19 2) on my period 3) very emotional reconnection with my best friend from college 4) bought alcohol 

i'm literally the smartest woman on earth for purchasing dairy free ice cream at the grocery store before being locked in. i've never had such an intense and textbook menstrual cycle in my life. this is just something i felt like i needed to document outside of whatever the app i have on my phone is called. 

day 1

my brain like, completely regressed to being 15 and listening to girlpool's 2014 self-titled debut album on repeat. this made me read through all of my old music reviews from 2013 - 2016. honestly i had forgotten about a lot of the albums i apparently had incredibly strong opinions about at one point. this made me kind of sad. which prompted my day 2 activities. 

day 2 

naturally, it's time to listen to all of the albums i reviewed as a teenager, and form my own opinions on them now. are they good still? 

day 3

revisited the entire death grips discography, revisited the entire animal collective discography. (i seemed the most emotionally attached to these two bands purely through my writing.) 

i think i learned a lot about myself by reading through my old writing. i literally just used to send that sh*t out and then never look at it again when i initially started doing editorial work. i think writing journalistically was the structure i needed back then but to me, as a tween, it ultimately seemed stifling. this is why most of my live show reviews were my observations about like, what the crowd was wearing / if the show got an extreme or profound emotional response out of me or not. i really did not like writing for this publication but they honestly did give me an insane amount of freedom up until i got more serious and had less silly opinions. i'm honestly so glad that i still have printed copies of these reviews because it was f*cking hilarious in the first place that i was writing amongst only middle aged libertarian men about how much my little heart loved death grips. also like i had an article published where i, a 15 year old and very sexually confused girl, called sky ferreira hot. thank god that moment was documented! 

i simply decided that i'm not embarrassed about any of the people i've been/will become because that's life baby :P 

so to further go down the rabbit hole of my own tween brain and accept her as the rookie girl she was i used the mcf*cking wayback machine (again) to look at my blog from 2011-2013. the blog that let future editors know that not only could i write about music, but i could also make mildly disturbing fan art. not mildly disturbing because it was like 'scary' or something, it's just really weird that i was making james murphy fan art when i was 12, like i don't even really remember being that unhinged and carefree back then. kind of jealous of her...  

really into the whole "being vulnerable online" thing right now during #emoweek 

here's a playlist i made for my blog in the ripe year of 2011!!!

afternoon - youth lagoon 

lofticries - purity ring 

honey bunny - girls 

ffunny ffrends - unknown mortal orchestra

friend crush - friends 

blue jeans - lana del rey 

after the moment - craft spells 

it's real - real estate 

how i know - toro y moi 

freshborn - deerhoof  

honestly i've got to admit this is not even a bad playlist and all of these songs have a time and a place. i just cannot for the life of me believe that i organically got back into blogging after 7 years... honestly the blog has been deactivated for 7 years and i hadn't really thought about what i used to write on there until this week. turns out that i was dropping illegal download links to "vampire weekend full discography free download (seeding) The Pirate Bay" and ranting about dan deacon like a freak. 

glad i'm getting back to my roots! i think i'm going to start leaving angry comments on pitchfork articles now. 

baby brain unhinged!

i hate that #emoweek made me kind of resonate with one of these annoying paragraph memes about being sad/anxious. i usually hate these because it's too small to read and for me, a perfect meme is an instant cackle. my inner monologue has kind of been going in circles similarly to the way the text on this meme is written, which i don't really like. not as depressing but just being so self centered right now because i'm alone and thinking about me, me, me! like, i kind of feel like a sociopath for thinking so damn hard about myself but honestly i think rereading everything i'd ever written gave me a better sense of who i am as a writer/person. you're allowed to act like a nut job in quarantine if it's at the very least under the guise of self improvement/growth, right? 

on top of all of this i've been working on a 36x48 oil painting featuring the webMD logo. 

#theintersectionofartandtechnology 

also here's my spring playlist !! 

if the world ends, will i still be able to listen to mariah carey?