hit the mf reset button!

alright, to update anyone who reads this blog i'd like to say that yes - i did spiral out on twitter and acquire a huuuge ego for a few days. i gotta say, it was kind of funny. feeling much better after going to the psychiatric hospital - cute right? ego-deathed 100x and am now myself again which is a good feeling.
i'm really happy that it was like... manic euphoria and not anything 'dark' 'scary' or generally 'bad.' wasn't suicidal or even slightly depressed.
but when i got to the hospital they essentially locked my ass in a room with a surveillance camera and because i really had no real sense of what was going on i got super paranoid. thought i was hallucinating bugs / was having withdrawals as if i was detoxing from heroin or something and not nicotine. was weird. turns out the living conditions in that unit were just f*cked and the bugs were real. who knew you could get hospitalized for thinking too damn hard about the inherent beauty of art and music and nature. thankfully i outlined a lot of ideas i had in my diary but like more than anything i think i was able to work through a lot of trauma i didn't even know i was even harboring. clean slate time... ! did i learn telepathy? yes. do i stand by what i said? yes. it came out for a reason just wish i could remember more of my episode. i literally got my head bashed in by this girl named gigi and then she bit me on the neck like a vampire. i barely remember this happening to me but i definitely have a bite on my neck? and others told me this happened. i probably deserved it tbh i was acting like a god damn bonafide freak. i swear they put me in that room just to see how crazy i would get, ya know? gigi and i are friends now, and another girl in the unit told me that i was levitating in the hallway at 4am one night. i definitely felt like i was opening up doors with my mind? i know i sound crazy but i s2g if anyone looked back at the security footage it would look like paranormal activity 9000.
when i got tired of essentially protesting and refusing to eat etc. (??? not my style) they moved me to a much nicer unit filled with moms on cymbalta for the most part. we exchanged instant pot recipes and talked about gardening. it was kind of like a pinterest come to life. i read 2 of those books that you only ever see at the airport or those free little library neighborhood box things. like the mild erotica books all written by old ladies under a pseudonym like "amanda silver" or something and the book is called "deception" or "scandal" or "stiletto nights" - you know exactly what i'm talking about. this was great fuel for writing fanfic. hated not being able to have a pencil. gave away all of my clothes in the first unit lol ... who cares at this point.
what's really been boggling me is how i've been essentially warping technology - other people have been pointing it out so i know it's not just my mind too. my phone is a shell of itself right now, the home button fell off and it looks like it's been run over by a truck. but in the hospital i would walk by the tv and the channel would just... change to something relevant like church choirs singing or something. this happened 2 or 3 times. it changed to cathedral live stream, food network, or hgtv lmao. fitting.
i had 2 nicknames that were given to me in the first unit "annabelle doll" and "little paprika pepper."
in the second unit everyone gave me their email to keep in touch with them because they thought i was an interesting youngster. can't wait to see what these women write to me, should be an interesting pen pal experience.

i realllly need to paint or draw or photoshop some sort of rendition of what i was hallucinating the internet to look like, it was like all codex seraphinianus style text and just like photos of sponges and stuff. i started getting really into reading packaging and labels. like damn, niche humor has come full circle if i'm laughing my ass off at shampoo bottle copy. is this 'healthgoth/normcore'?

also the best way i could describe the general decor & furniture at the hospital would be "stouffer's salisbury steak." i really wish i could've taken photos while i was there but i did rip up a bunch of magazines to make collages? lol.

i was able to condense my entire skincare routine to 3 essentials: water, an orange, and a tube of chapstick. this was all i had at one point... basically i would be so good at camping now. also i'm not really a beach person but i kind of want to go to the beach soon? like a secluded one. just wanna go in2 the ocean i think it'd be fun.

anyway all of this probably happened because i used to micro-dose shrooms in high school.
tbh i stopped smoking as much weed and started retaining more information than i normally do and it hurt my brain. now i take #lithium in a small dose. but am mostly unmedicated i just take it at night to go to sleep.

back 2 the grind...

you can email me at kaitlinsimotics@gmail.com.
still working on big creative projects they just make more sense now because i'm sleeping now lmao.

also - finally got to listen to the new fiona apple record, i'm upset that my exes all got to listen to this before me. waiting to listen to it made it more special, but i think i like idler wheel better. that's my full review.

ttyl!