period

Quip Toothbrush makes me wanna KMS!

i'm going to be honest and just say that medication has made it really hard to type things, or even really think things. this has been a fairly confusing and frustrating time for my brain. i can at least read, but can't really form too many opinions about what i'm reading which is also kind of scary.
(weaning off meds soon hopefully, can't believe i will be facetiming a doctor this week - i am going to add face stickers or something silly while he is talking)
i'm glad i was able to authentically adopt a 'f*ck it' attitude about the work that i do, whatever that is. the main takeaway from isolation and introspection has been that it's more productive and meaningful to produce work (mainly writing) that is for me, not some imagined / romanticized audience. i don't think this makes me less ambitious either. i think maybe that's why i've always enjoyed blogging - you don't have to share the link with anyone, but if you choose to tag relevant things sometimes people will find whatever you're gabbing about through google.
i just finished reading the book "exquisite mariposa" by fiona alison duncan (so good) and through that book finally realized why i subconsciously hadn't been even trying to publish articles anymore. they don't feel real! being a journalist was so silly, like i didn't feel like i did a good job unless it sounded like something akin to whatever BS i was reading by men in their 30s about music at the time. and to some extent i still feel that way, in the sense that pitchfork for example is sort of a corporate entity, and it doesn't feel like the writers themselves have their own distinct voices separate from pitchfork. i'm probably wrong, and honestly don't read pitchfork anymore but that's just kind of the vibe i get. the number ratings always rubbed me the wrong way. they're good from a marketing standpoint in that readers can just look at the number, agree or get mad about it, and keep on truckin' right? true absolutes like that don't really belong, from like an ethical/moral standpoint at least, in music journalism because what you're writing about is so subjective, emotional, and personal to begin with. it worked with anthony fantano because that was just one guy, and when he started out i liked that he took the number rating. he's kind of like the human byproduct of pitchfork ethos but at least he wasn't working for them, still adjacent in viewpoint though. inspiring to some extent but simply not my vibe. i could never be a youtuber. maybe a podcaster, but not a youtuber. i feel like that's giving away too much.

i think what i'm trying to say here is that i'm having a midlife crisis at 21. last year around this time i was deep in the throes of aspiring to have enough money to justify buying $30 scented candles from anthropologie on a regular basis, and saving up for dumb things like a $40 copper 'quip' toothbrush. a toothbrush! social media marketing made me feel like i didn't have my life together if my house wasn't something similar to the apartment therapy instagram feed. i wanted more stability and was seeking it out through overpriced 'self-care' products. when i wasn't lifting boxes, running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, and chain smoking with the boys at work i was desperately trying to fill my life with sleekly designed items that were targeted at me (with a fury.) i think i was depressed but honestly i was smoking so much weed and eating so much candy it was hard to tell at the time.

now every morning i wake up and see my $40 toothbrush that i couldn't afford at the time and i'm like, damn - i really hustled for a toothbrush because of its design. that's so depressing. honestly pinterest kind of fucked me up more than tumblr ever did. mainly because i didn't interact with too many people on tumblr, just reblogged art i liked. on pinterest everything kind of looks the same, and it all looks really clean. i used to appreciate character in a living space, pinterest crushed that for me and i felt like my house was dirty no matter what because i didn't have a terrazzo backsplash and marble counters. now i'm like "f*ck it"

but where tf do i go from here? the "f*ck it" attitude seems less marketable creatively, as far as actually making money goes. i don't really feel like groveling to make money at this point. i don't really understand the high art world & it's intricacies, i kind of just want to party. is there some kind of 'movement' going on outside of like, instagram famous painters like chloe wise that are kind of like ... talented socialites... ? i don't read anything about art or know sh*t about it. it feels silly to me. & the closest thing to an exciting literary 'movement' we've had since being online 'happened' was alt-lit which had it's 15 minutes, and then got kind of ruined by a lot of the male writers, both talented and untalented ones. & climbing the ladder and 'infiltrating' these circles sounds like hell to me.

like... through social media it's perceived that you kind of have to live in either nyc or la to get anywhere as a 'creative' - why would i put myself through being a starving artist in such a high cost city ???? i think i'd die!!!! if not die from lack of funds, i would probably die from pure exhaustion of trying to network with people which feels humiliating. tbh the dream would be to like organically become friends w people who .. f*ck with the vision.. but why is everyone so cynical and cold and generally aloof? i really don't want to become like that, but feel like i at least have to try to be in order to be taken seriously? maybe i'm wrong and am just talking up my ass? all i know is that i like to write, and i like to paint, and i'd like to be taken seriously for doing that. f*ck - i want to make money doing that. but i don't want to eventually hate the craft because i hate the hustle. the hustle feels faaake!!!!!!!! the only solution would be to start a gallery or publication or small press. i don't know sh*t about galleries. andrew and i have been emailing back and forth about virtual gallery stuff but we're both too insane working on our own stuff to make it work in a timely fashion lol. i've tried to start multiple publications or zines or lit mags or whatever but i was in high school and they didn't stick because i was a silly teen! tsk tsk 

and it would literally be dumb for me to say that by keeping this blog i'm protesting larger publications or something. i think the magic in keeping a blog is just writing for yourself, typing. in some ways this feels more real than writing in a journal, but in some ways writing in a journal feels more real than writing a blog post. sometimes you need variety maybe? i don't know. all i do know is that keeping a blog and writing about whatever the h*ll i want without pressure feels more real than writing any form of journalism, or pretending to be successful - at least for me. also blogging is free <3 & of course the last wave of music journalism that meant anything to me or felt real? bloggers! and i'll stand by that until something good happens to 'the industry' on a large scale again.

sometimes it feels like the only way to be a self-starter in 2020 on a large scale is by "disrupting the industry" whatever that means. disrupting the industry seems to be the new version of starting facebook or something. there are probably 1million articles written from this viewpoint but none on my own personal blog, so let me talk my sh*t. if i wanted to disrupt the mulch industry (???) i would simply study mulch trends (lol), rebrand the mulch packaging to look like it would only be sold at boutique succulent shops, but have an online recurring subscription option for the mulch (while still selling wholesale to boutique succulent shops, and eventually striking a deal with Target.)
you don't have to haul the bag from home depot into your car anymore. it just arrives on your porch every few months. imagine 'replenishing your mulch' the old fashioned way - i literally can't anymore.

my new idea of being a self-starter in 2020 would have to be writing stupid sh*t freely, drinking off-brand seltzer, taking yourself seriously, listening to kundalini awakening guided meditations on youtube, smoking weed, having enough money to justify buying flowers for your house.