do you think elvis is actually dead?

i have a lot of ignored friend requests on facebook.com. this isn't bragging because the accounts are mostly not real people. with that being said, i noticed one today and 
i think we're related somehow because our 5 mutual friends all have the same last same name as i do. 

what's really strange is that i feel like i know absolutely nothing about this woman / have never heard any real 'stories' from family members about her - and at this point why should i ask? the woman in question here is named "elaine" and if i think really hard about that name i can distantly remember my dad saying something about an "aunt elaine" who allegedly (in his perception of history) is accredited to being the reason why i might have red hair. 

both of my parents are brunettes, but if you look really closely at my mothers hair in the sunlight you can see some twinkles of red and sometimes blonde. she calls her hair color "tiger striped" which is very cute. she is starting to go grey now and seems to be feeling kind of empowered by this which i also think is very cute. 

the real origin story of my red hair, according to my mother, has to do with me being a lazy infant who liked to lay around too much which i think is pretty funny. allegedly i popped out and initially had brown hair. but i liked to lay down so much that i formed a f*cking bald spot on the back of my little baby head. then my hair just... grew back red. scientifically i'm not sure if this is even plausible but it's fun to think about. i think i tried to bring up this story to my mother more recently and she kind of brushed it off for some reason and wouldn't give me any further details. i wonder if she made this story up for some odd reason? who knows. 
for years this has been my personal truth and origin story of being a redhead though. 

after learning all of this do you think this woman really deserves all of the credit? i mean, get real. 

we don't even have the same last name, just our mutual friends do so i'm not even sure if we're actually related. and also she looks way too old to be just "aunt elaine" right? she's got to at least be a "great" aunt? and how great of an aunt can she actually be if she's just now friending me on facebook.com. 

i'm in my 20s at this point and her profile photo looks like she was the manager of an ingles grocery store in 2006. 

when i was younger "ingles" was the grocery store my mother and i shopped at and i tend to think about it a lot because as far as regional grocery establishments go,
ingles is kind of wacky. 

the specific location where we used to shop is still around and we actually ended up smoking a cigarette there together to calm down on christmas day in 2019. she got into a heated argument with my grandfather over whether or not elvis was actually dead and we had to end the festivities (of eating sad potato salad and watching conspiracy videos from youtube on the tv) early and decompress outside of ingles. i guess you could say ingles has always been sort of a safe haven for me in a lot of ways. and they have a great deal on seedless watermelons when they're in season. i remember eating a lot of watermelon from ingles growing up and i remember my mother dousing hers in salt which i thought was really strange but now that i smoke i understand the appeal of wanting to put salt on everything. it's not a healthy way to go about things but it does taste good i've decided. 

for those of you unfamiliar with ingles here is a photo of their president to give you a better idea:

 

#notmypresident 

while looking for this photo of jim i stumbled across this article from a local news website in "waynesville" north carolina called The Mountaineer. the name of the article is just called "ingles icon retires." i urge you to read this article because it's sweet in some ways and kind of jarring in others. it's sweet because he dedicated 48 years of his life to a regional grocery chain and seemed to be really fulfilled by that. & it's jarring because jeff, the icon, looks kind of like he has lockjaw or something.
(i googled "lockjaw photos" to make sure this was an accurate and worthy description of jeffs iconic look. most of the photos that came up were 'medical illustrations' that kind of looked like wikihow art. i'd say this would probably fit into jeffs brand, visually.) 

wouldn't you agree?