airing out my dirty laundry! < 3

two provocative sentences from my inner monologue today include...

"i wouldn't mind if jennifer from cadet kelly (2002) called me a maggot."
"my room smells like burning sage and hot wax. (this is not sexual.)"

i think a major part of lesbian culture might just be getting horned up over subtle and poetic things like... the wind. or maybe like the way some drapery looks. if you know, you know. this isn't an outwardly lesbian example but in the coming of age netflix original series "pen15", one of the main characters definitely flicks her bean to a photo of some volcano or a desert from her textbook. and didn't jenny slate say she jerked off to the moon? i wish people would be honest about these things publicly more often.

recently my camera roll has been mainly comprised of sexy paintings of women, and for some reason having these on my phone makes me feel kind of dirty. i don't, like, jerk off to them or anything generally sinful but i do admire them sometimes and i'll admit it, i am alone when i do this. maybe that is even worse than just jerking off to them. i don't really know or care to think about it too intensely because i will start feeling bad about 'objectifying' the women from 1876 or whenever these various paintings were conceived and birthed.

i think if i knew what everyone was turned on by i would have unstoppable power.

recently i charged a stranger on reddit seventy dollars for a tarot reading regarding fetishes and it made them cry. maybe i already know what everyone is turned on by and i just don't work on that ability as much as i could. untapped potential.

it's strange, i feel fairly in tune with my body. like i'll say it - i'm a very sensual person. i don't have issues with this. i think i'm more in alignment with the general energy of sex vs. the act itself in realtime, at least so far in my experience. when i was 17 the song "superstar" by the carpenters came on while i was having sex and i've never really been the same since. i was literally in a bathtub and had to get out to change the song. i've never even tried to f*ck to music since this happened - which is crazy because if you know me, you know i can't go one second of the day without having something on in the background. i open the window in my bedroom so i can listen to music while i smoke outside, i unplug my stereo and bring it into the bathroom while i shower. i think i've even worn headphones just to walk into the kitchen to make a snack before. i'll probably try it again at some point but i really don't want to think about karen carpenter's anorexia during sex accidentally.

the other day someone dm'd me on instagram to tell me that their tinder hookup had put on "floridada" by animal collective to f*ck to. i think that might be worse than "superstar" by the carpenters. that is the most jarring thing to have play in the background while someone is on top of you. like... pure chaos.
& i'm usually all about pure chaos, but not in this tableau.
i'm really glad that when things akin to that scenario happen to them, they immediately tell me. even if we're not that close. like, "oh, kaitlin will totally get a kick out of this." and they're right, i do.

anyway, i'm literally upset with myself for coming out as bi to my family. i'm such a coward for that. can you imagine me with... a husband? lol

here's a brief history of my more serious relationships with men:

my first long term relationship of any kind was this really controlling guy i met online who literally lived like... a mile from me in gwinnett county, georgia. i was 15 and he was 20 or 21 i think. it's weird to be the age now that he was when that started. i had no idea what he looked like because his profile photo was a painting of a young napoleon bonaparte, which for some reason, i thought was really hot. he wouldn't send me a photo of himself for a while and it turned out that was because he thought i wouldn't be interested in him if i knew he was korean, which was really sad. he then sent me a photo of him wearing like... a red leather motorcycle jacket. he thought the jacket had a kenneth anger lucifer rising sort of thing going on but it really didn't. what the f*ck was i thinking.
anyway, so we essentially had a very sexual and spiritual online relationship (on and off) for like 4 years. full on phone sex. he really thought we were going to get married, like he thought i was a twin flame/soulmate connection for him and would write me these long crazy things on facebook messenger about it. i only met him in person a couple of times and he was obsessed with trying to buy me things / show off with money. the funniest part is that we never had sex! we kissed maybe once and it was really weird. he did not pass his vibe check in person lol. he was really good at writing out his sexual fantasies though, talking to him for such a long time was kind of like reading an erotic novel. but obviously like any connection with an adult man and a girl in high school who is "mature for her age" and knows what the velvet underground is, things got weirder. let's just say i ended up stranded in athens, georgia for 14 hours high on shrooms, crying outside of a CVS, and listening to john maus.

next up? my first IRL boyfriend. he turned out to be gay, but i enjoyed 8 months of that relationship because it was long distance. he lived in vietnam and worked for the UN. i felt very interesting and very superior to the other girls in high school and used to skype him while i was in the lunch room. i'm sure this was very annoying. this was the guy who i was f*cking in a bathtub to "superstar" by the carpenters. i'm not really sure how he was working for the UN, he was really unstable. he had a laundry list of issues (alcoholism, heroin addiction, bipolar schizoaffective disorder to name a few.) i think he mostly survived on oreos and vodka while living in vietnam. it's absolutely ridiculous to me that i dated this guy for like 2 years or something. he used to talk to me in a baby voice which is really strange in retrospect. thankfully now i can laugh about it, like i've done so much work to be fine after this doozy of a connection. imagine being in high school and having to call the vietnamese coast guard to locate your freaky adult boyfriend. it turned out that he was just on a bender and spending christmas dinner with some russian expats he met while "knife fighting in a circle k." (phew!) this dude had like (minimum) fifteen stab marks all over his body and a bullet in his head from when he lived in iraq. his dad was a war criminal or something. i'm not really sure... and because he was so insane i don't even know to this day what was fabricated and what wasn't. either way, great writing material.

i'm very easygoing in relationships i think, and as you can tell, will put up with a lot - or at least used to. i feel like i was able to take the most chaotic crash course in emotional intelligence/romantic connections over the span of like 4 years, which i'm thankful for. most people go their whole lives without being involved with people that crazy, and anyone who has probably did not / will not bounce back from it as fast as i have. i literally holed up for months and just wrote down everything that had happened because i hadn't had a break from mothering men in my life since i was 15. now i am at peace and can laugh about all of these things. because at the root of it all... this is hilarious. like, on god? vodka and oreos are all this guy consumed for 8 months? a lactation fetish? spiritual warfare against me? like why on earth do these people exist?

my most recent relationship was honestly so normal in comparison to the things i experienced in my teens. and thanks to the wild previous connections i've had with people i am able to navigate most emotional situations pretty well - and as a result, we're still friends. the main weird thing about my last relationship were the parallels between me and his high school girlfriend, who i also knew. i actually met him through her. i was in eighth grade and she was a senior at my school. she came up to me at my locker and asked if i liked death grips, so we became friends.
long story short they dated when she went off to college where? you guessed it. bennington college. (this is the energetic sinkhole of america.) and i dated her ex when i went off to college where? bennington college. we both got haunted at school and now we're both lesbians. this life is crazy.

also: the guy who lives in vietnam (he's a noise musician there now lol) bought his car from my most recent ex-boyfriend in 2016. it's all connected. the car window was broken and when it rained i would get wet in the passenger seat.

all of these relationships have one thing in common: i'm mad at myself for showing them kate bush. phone sex guy literally used to play kate bush on the radio in hopes that i would hear it and reach out to him. he'd be like "if you're listening... please respond..." total bruh moment over at 95.5 WUOG.

okay story time is over. i showed you my trauma, do you still think i'm hot?