hit the mf reset button!

alright, to update anyone who reads this blog i'd like to say that yes - i did spiral out on twitter and acquire a huuuge ego for a few days. i gotta say, it was kind of funny. feeling much better after going to the psychiatric hospital - cute right? ego-deathed 100x and am now myself again which is a good feeling.
i'm really happy that it was like... manic euphoria and not anything 'dark' 'scary' or generally 'bad.' wasn't suicidal or even slightly depressed.
but when i got to the hospital they essentially locked my ass in a room with a surveillance camera and because i really had no real sense of what was going on i got super paranoid. thought i was hallucinating bugs / was having withdrawals as if i was detoxing from heroin or something and not nicotine. was weird. turns out the living conditions in that unit were just f*cked and the bugs were real. who knew you could get hospitalized for thinking too damn hard about the inherent beauty of art and music and nature. thankfully i outlined a lot of ideas i had in my diary but like more than anything i think i was able to work through a lot of trauma i didn't even know i was even harboring. clean slate time... ! did i learn telepathy? yes. do i stand by what i said? yes. it came out for a reason just wish i could remember more of my episode. i literally got my head bashed in by this girl named gigi and then she bit me on the neck like a vampire. i barely remember this happening to me but i definitely have a bite on my neck? and others told me this happened. i probably deserved it tbh i was acting like a god damn bonafide freak. i swear they put me in that room just to see how crazy i would get, ya know? gigi and i are friends now, and another girl in the unit told me that i was levitating in the hallway at 4am one night. i definitely felt like i was opening up doors with my mind? i know i sound crazy but i s2g if anyone looked back at the security footage it would look like paranormal activity 9000.
when i got tired of essentially protesting and refusing to eat etc. (??? not my style) they moved me to a much nicer unit filled with moms on cymbalta for the most part. we exchanged instant pot recipes and talked about gardening. it was kind of like a pinterest come to life. i read 2 of those books that you only ever see at the airport or those free little library neighborhood box things. like the mild erotica books all written by old ladies under a pseudonym like "amanda silver" or something and the book is called "deception" or "scandal" or "stiletto nights" - you know exactly what i'm talking about. this was great fuel for writing fanfic. hated not being able to have a pencil. gave away all of my clothes in the first unit lol ... who cares at this point.
what's really been boggling me is how i've been essentially warping technology - other people have been pointing it out so i know it's not just my mind too. my phone is a shell of itself right now, the home button fell off and it looks like it's been run over by a truck. but in the hospital i would walk by the tv and the channel would just... change to something relevant like church choirs singing or something. this happened 2 or 3 times. it changed to cathedral live stream, food network, or hgtv lmao. fitting.
i had 2 nicknames that were given to me in the first unit "annabelle doll" and "little paprika pepper."
in the second unit everyone gave me their email to keep in touch with them because they thought i was an interesting youngster. can't wait to see what these women write to me, should be an interesting pen pal experience.

i realllly need to paint or draw or photoshop some sort of rendition of what i was hallucinating the internet to look like, it was like all codex seraphinianus style text and just like photos of sponges and stuff. i started getting really into reading packaging and labels. like damn, niche humor has come full circle if i'm laughing my ass off at shampoo bottle copy. is this 'healthgoth/normcore'?

also the best way i could describe the general decor & furniture at the hospital would be "stouffer's salisbury steak." i really wish i could've taken photos while i was there but i did rip up a bunch of magazines to make collages? lol.

i was able to condense my entire skincare routine to 3 essentials: water, an orange, and a tube of chapstick. this was all i had at one point... basically i would be so good at camping now. also i'm not really a beach person but i kind of want to go to the beach soon? like a secluded one. just wanna go in2 the ocean i think it'd be fun.

anyway all of this probably happened because i used to micro-dose shrooms in high school.
tbh i stopped smoking as much weed and started retaining more information than i normally do and it hurt my brain. now i take #lithium in a small dose. but am mostly unmedicated i just take it at night to go to sleep.

back 2 the grind...

you can email me at kaitlinsimotics@gmail.com.
still working on big creative projects they just make more sense now because i'm sleeping now lmao.

also - finally got to listen to the new fiona apple record, i'm upset that my exes all got to listen to this before me. waiting to listen to it made it more special, but i think i like idler wheel better. that's my full review.

ttyl!

#emoweek

lovely weather we're having, no?

wanted to check in and log what i've been up to so i don't forget years from now. this is my scrapbook tbh. 

i think in order to keep myself somewhat balanced i started making to-do lists. the lists could definitely be compiled of more constructive activities but honestly i'm cutting myself some slack. "debone salmon", "dust off ceiling fan blades", "do not drink beer", "email reductress (beg)", "listen to the new yves tumor album" ... i feel like this to-do list unfortunately encompasses whatever emo portion of quarantine i'm experiencing at the moment. #emoweek continues - apparently it's monday today. 

i think the main contributors to my #emoweek would have to be 1) covid19 2) on my period 3) very emotional reconnection with my best friend from college 4) bought alcohol 

i'm literally the smartest woman on earth for purchasing dairy free ice cream at the grocery store before being locked in. i've never had such an intense and textbook menstrual cycle in my life. this is just something i felt like i needed to document outside of whatever the app i have on my phone is called. 

day 1

my brain like, completely regressed to being 15 and listening to girlpool's 2014 self-titled debut album on repeat. this made me read through all of my old music reviews from 2013 - 2016. honestly i had forgotten about a lot of the albums i apparently had incredibly strong opinions about at one point. this made me kind of sad. which prompted my day 2 activities. 

day 2 

naturally, it's time to listen to all of the albums i reviewed as a teenager, and form my own opinions on them now. are they good still? 

day 3

revisited the entire death grips discography, revisited the entire animal collective discography. (i seemed the most emotionally attached to these two bands purely through my writing.) 

i think i learned a lot about myself by reading through my old writing. i literally just used to send that sh*t out and then never look at it again when i initially started doing editorial work. i think writing journalistically was the structure i needed back then but to me, as a tween, it ultimately seemed stifling. this is why most of my live show reviews were my observations about like, what the crowd was wearing / if the show got an extreme or profound emotional response out of me or not. i really did not like writing for this publication but they honestly did give me an insane amount of freedom up until i got more serious and had less silly opinions. i'm honestly so glad that i still have printed copies of these reviews because it was f*cking hilarious in the first place that i was writing amongst only middle aged libertarian men about how much my little heart loved death grips. also like i had an article published where i, a 15 year old and very sexually confused girl, called sky ferreira hot. thank god that moment was documented! 

i simply decided that i'm not embarrassed about any of the people i've been/will become because that's life baby :P 

so to further go down the rabbit hole of my own tween brain and accept her as the rookie girl she was i used the mcf*cking wayback machine (again) to look at my blog from 2011-2013. the blog that let future editors know that not only could i write about music, but i could also make mildly disturbing fan art. not mildly disturbing because it was like 'scary' or something, it's just really weird that i was making james murphy fan art when i was 12, like i don't even really remember being that unhinged and carefree back then. kind of jealous of her...  

really into the whole "being vulnerable online" thing right now during #emoweek 

here's a playlist i made for my blog in the ripe year of 2011!!!

afternoon - youth lagoon 

lofticries - purity ring 

honey bunny - girls 

ffunny ffrends - unknown mortal orchestra

friend crush - friends 

blue jeans - lana del rey 

after the moment - craft spells 

it's real - real estate 

how i know - toro y moi 

freshborn - deerhoof  

honestly i've got to admit this is not even a bad playlist and all of these songs have a time and a place. i just cannot for the life of me believe that i organically got back into blogging after 7 years... honestly the blog has been deactivated for 7 years and i hadn't really thought about what i used to write on there until this week. turns out that i was dropping illegal download links to "vampire weekend full discography free download (seeding) The Pirate Bay" and ranting about dan deacon like a freak. 

glad i'm getting back to my roots! i think i'm going to start leaving angry comments on pitchfork articles now. 

baby brain unhinged!

i hate that #emoweek made me kind of resonate with one of these annoying paragraph memes about being sad/anxious. i usually hate these because it's too small to read and for me, a perfect meme is an instant cackle. my inner monologue has kind of been going in circles similarly to the way the text on this meme is written, which i don't really like. not as depressing but just being so self centered right now because i'm alone and thinking about me, me, me! like, i kind of feel like a sociopath for thinking so damn hard about myself but honestly i think rereading everything i'd ever written gave me a better sense of who i am as a writer/person. you're allowed to act like a nut job in quarantine if it's at the very least under the guise of self improvement/growth, right? 

on top of all of this i've been working on a 36x48 oil painting featuring the webMD logo. 

#theintersectionofartandtechnology 

also here's my spring playlist !! 

if the world ends, will i still be able to listen to mariah carey?