style tips from an icon (me)

smoking a joint on a floor pillow in front of my space heater, wearing nothing but a hot pink lace and polyester babydoll nightgown and dorky athletic socks. and i'm thinking... this has got to be someones kink, right?

there's absolutely no way this tableau couldn't turn on anyone somehow. i don't really remember much of the sex i've ever had but i think as long as i'm attempting to sexualize myself in this blog post i should probably include a quote from an ex that i think about a lot.
"i really never thought i'd be excited to pull off someones looney tunes taz sweatshirt before sex."
this is a loaded statement.
if you know me, you know the exact sweatshirt in question because i wear it often. this is the same sweatshirt i was wearing when i had an informal "mugshot" taken of me after getting banned from a live/work/play building in my city. this was for the best because they only had $12 cocktails there, and it's the kind of environment where you really need a drink.

i've had multiple people come up to me at parties and say "hey aren't you the girl that got banned from [redacted] for stealing candy?" and i say yes and tell my story. it's a great story for parties. it's always a hit with the anarchist crowd which i think is funny. i wasn't really trying to f*ck with "the man" or whatever.
i just wanted some candy.

here are the most similar versions of the garments i've mentioned in this post that i could find on google images:

this outfit can be easily adapted into a look for going out on the porch to smoke a cigarette too - just layer the taz sweatshirt over the nightgown and throw on knock off gucci loafers from DH gate.

style points if the loafers are ridiculously bent out of shape and covered in paint like mine are.

billy joel flips out in moscow in 1987

this is one of the most important videos on youtube in my opinion.

it's called "Billy Joel flips out in Moscow in 1987." 

there are some re-uploads on youtube.com with funnier names like "Billy's Red Rage" but i like this one because it's pretty straightforward and (depending on the reader) could give the illusion that maybe he's just putting on an amazing show. i mean, he did put on an amazing show.
how on earth did he continue playing the song while flipping out like this? his showmanship is unmatched. 

a friend of mine once said "billy joel is like kate bush for men" i'm not really sure if i agree but i think it's something to think about for sure. 

do men deserve any sort of "equivalent" to kate bush? something else to think about.

billy joel is someone i've talked to multiple uber drivers about in detail and i think it's important to note that in this post. unrelated but i've also had multiple uber drivers spit into the backseat of the car (not at me, thankfully) but just like... into the backseat of their car instead of outside of the window.
and because of that i tipped them more.
bold moves deserve to be rewarded monetarily i've decided.

just last night i had an uber driver named "nathan" talk to me about potholes and hunting turkeys during the entirety of the trip. while he was talking to me about these topics he was complaining about his wife intermittently. i guess at some point he decided to listen to his surroundings instead of his own twisted monologue about turkey and heard my foot tapping to "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" by the band "Jet" - you might remember this song from an iconic silhouette style iPod commercial - because he decided to play it two more times after that. he also had the audacity to turn the volume knob on that bad boy. i'll say it... i wasn't even mad.
that song is super "rock & roll" ya know?

what's crazy about this video is that it was uploaded in 2008 by an account on youtube.com called "iPodAds" - they have 209 subscribers right now and to my surprise this is not the only account on youtube.com that exclusively archives these iconic silhouette style iPod commercials. 

i found another account called "TheiPodSpot" - they only have 63 subscribers. 

i wonder if competition in this realm of youtube.com is tough?

do you think elvis is actually dead?

i have a lot of ignored friend requests on facebook.com. this isn't bragging because the accounts are mostly not real people. with that being said, i noticed one today and 
i think we're related somehow because our 5 mutual friends all have the same last same name as i do. 

what's really strange is that i feel like i know absolutely nothing about this woman / have never heard any real 'stories' from family members about her - and at this point why should i ask? the woman in question here is named "elaine" and if i think really hard about that name i can distantly remember my dad saying something about an "aunt elaine" who allegedly (in his perception of history) is accredited to being the reason why i might have red hair. 

both of my parents are brunettes, but if you look really closely at my mothers hair in the sunlight you can see some twinkles of red and sometimes blonde. she calls her hair color "tiger striped" which is very cute. she is starting to go grey now and seems to be feeling kind of empowered by this which i also think is very cute. 

the real origin story of my red hair, according to my mother, has to do with me being a lazy infant who liked to lay around too much which i think is pretty funny. allegedly i popped out and initially had brown hair. but i liked to lay down so much that i formed a f*cking bald spot on the back of my little baby head. then my hair just... grew back red. scientifically i'm not sure if this is even plausible but it's fun to think about. i think i tried to bring up this story to my mother more recently and she kind of brushed it off for some reason and wouldn't give me any further details. i wonder if she made this story up for some odd reason? who knows. 
for years this has been my personal truth and origin story of being a redhead though. 

after learning all of this do you think this woman really deserves all of the credit? i mean, get real. 

we don't even have the same last name, just our mutual friends do so i'm not even sure if we're actually related. and also she looks way too old to be just "aunt elaine" right? she's got to at least be a "great" aunt? and how great of an aunt can she actually be if she's just now friending me on facebook.com. 

i'm in my 20s at this point and her profile photo looks like she was the manager of an ingles grocery store in 2006. 

when i was younger "ingles" was the grocery store my mother and i shopped at and i tend to think about it a lot because as far as regional grocery establishments go,
ingles is kind of wacky. 

the specific location where we used to shop is still around and we actually ended up smoking a cigarette there together to calm down on christmas day in 2019. she got into a heated argument with my grandfather over whether or not elvis was actually dead and we had to end the festivities (of eating sad potato salad and watching conspiracy videos from youtube on the tv) early and decompress outside of ingles. i guess you could say ingles has always been sort of a safe haven for me in a lot of ways. and they have a great deal on seedless watermelons when they're in season. i remember eating a lot of watermelon from ingles growing up and i remember my mother dousing hers in salt which i thought was really strange but now that i smoke i understand the appeal of wanting to put salt on everything. it's not a healthy way to go about things but it does taste good i've decided. 

for those of you unfamiliar with ingles here is a photo of their president to give you a better idea:

 

#notmypresident 

while looking for this photo of jim i stumbled across this article from a local news website in "waynesville" north carolina called The Mountaineer. the name of the article is just called "ingles icon retires." i urge you to read this article because it's sweet in some ways and kind of jarring in others. it's sweet because he dedicated 48 years of his life to a regional grocery chain and seemed to be really fulfilled by that. & it's jarring because jeff, the icon, looks kind of like he has lockjaw or something.
(i googled "lockjaw photos" to make sure this was an accurate and worthy description of jeffs iconic look. most of the photos that came up were 'medical illustrations' that kind of looked like wikihow art. i'd say this would probably fit into jeffs brand, visually.) 

wouldn't you agree?

dale earnhardt jr. jr. hostility

alright.
somehow / someway i'm listening to a literal club mix of a dale earnhardt jr. jr. song right now. it's not "bad" but like why am i listening to it?
spotify truly said f*ck it with this one.

apparently dale earnhardt jr. jr. (since they peaked in 2010/2011) have rebranded themselves as "JR JR" in an attempt to stay relevant to some extent.
it clearly didn't work because i had no idea that this happened and i feel like if anyone would know about a dumb fact like this it would be me, right?
their EP "horse power" from 2010 was pretty good if i remember correctly. but i'm not sure if it still holds the test of time and i'm not sure if i want to listen to it again.

dale earnhardt jr. jr. is just one of those bands that got kind of lost in the mix when people used to check up on brooklyn vegan everyday to see what was new and noteworthy in indie music.
& the more i think about it the more i can confirm that i fully had their song "vocal chords" from the horse power EP on my ipod back then.

i'll post the KEXP live session from 2010 below ... as a relic of indie music history and online music blogging culture.

what i'll say about this performance (since i just watched it for the first time) is that i like how they really ran with the whole nascar motif. and i like that their little costumes are lysol and cheerios themed. other than that this performance for me is kind of mediocre now that i understand the world more than i did in 2010. they aren't bad musicians per se but i really hate how one of the guys kept deciding to improvise his vocal parts. it kind of made him sound like jason mraz or something at one point and i really didn't like that at all. for 2010 this was pretty good though. but i don't think i have the time or energy to truly dig into their new music.
it's just not worth it.

after scrolling through the comments of this KEXP video i found this interaction that gave me...
a little bit of a chuckle.

imagine getting into a fight on the comment section of a dale earnhardt jr. jr. KEXP live session.

i really can imagine getting into a fight in the comment section of a dale earnhardt jr. jr. KEXP live session though. especially 8 years ago.
which is most definitely the worst part about any of this.

i've only ever gotten into one youtube comment section fight in my life. i have no idea what the video was of but i was defending my 'boyfriend' at the time that i had for like 2 weeks tops in 6th grade. all i really remember about the "fight" was being called a "KUNT" by a complete stranger. my response to that was something to the effect of "why would you want to call me the name of a radio station west of the mississippi river" which i thought was really clever at the time. what i remember the most about that entire online interaction is my mother yelling at me after seeing the word "KUNT" associated with my name on google.com when i was 12 years old.

back to the freecreditreport.com band – after reading this article on complex.com i unearthed something really ridiculous and amusing to me.
first of all, the guy singing in the commercials is dubbed over because he sounds "too foreign" in real life. & second of all, apparently he's really into industrial music and specifically cited nine inch nails, skinny puppy, and rage against the machine as his "recent influences." (2014)
i wonder what he's up to now and if i can follow him on social media just to get a deeper peek into his life.

bernie sanders tribute

so this morning around 4am i was jolted awake by my cat, blanche, who was making some ungodly / almost supernatural sounding noises.
i was having a really vivid dream but i can't remember what it was.
immediately after waking up i received a text from caroline that was just this video:

i feel like something was divinely orchestrated in order for me to watch this piece of cinema at 4am in a cold sweat.
obviously after watching this video i could not go back to sleep.

& pretty soon after watching this video a moderately famous 'witchhouse'/'ambient' musician facebook messaged me and we talked for a while about music and how we've been doing. he is a weird person to be talking to at 4am i'm not even gonna lie. we used to talk on twitter when i was a financial dominatrix. he told me he was a sub and that he used to help his ex gf do findom because he knew what the subs wanted to hear, which i thought was funny. last night he told me he only has a few close friends at the moment. one of them has the same birthday as him but 2 years apart. he said that they just 'understood' each other and that he never had to explain himself. this sounds really nice. i'm glad he's not doing heroin on instagram live anymore. like i said before, it's really strange that we talk sometimes. he's never weird or anything (a first) and he's sober now, which is good.

internet connections are so weird.
i used to listen to his music on "grooveshark.com" in 2011 and now here we are. he's very talented. it's a shame he got into heroin.
but now he is releasing music again and i am happy for him.
the character development.

update: i spoke too soon about him not acting weird. i am now receiving iPhone note poetry (that he also posted onto his verified twitter account after sending to me - i guess he really liked how it came out?) and a lot of 'heart emojis' from the guy.

<-- literally what is this even supposed to mean?





i'll keep everyone updated if the situation escalates further.

masterlist: early internet humor, ascii art, & homophobia (1992-2015)

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this woman (xena's) work

                  "I AM NOT THE GOOD KIND OF DYKE"                     
                                                          A  
    ________                                             |:| 
  _/O-MEPH-#\_                                           |:| 
 /O#/      \O#\                                          |:| 
|#/          \O|                                         |:| 
|O            #|                                         |:| 
|#            O|                                         |:| 
|O\          /#|        ,---v--.                         |:| 
 \#O\,,,, o/#O/        /////A\\\\                        |:| 
   \#O##O##O/         //(((( ))))\                       |:| 
     \  _/           /(((-o- -o-)))                      |:| 
     |__|            ))))   )   (((                    __|_|_
     |XX|           ((((  ,---. ))))                     (<o)
     |XX|            ))))\`---'((((                     8(_) 
     |  |           ((((  `---' ))))                    8(_))
     |   '.____\^^^^^))))'     ((((^^^^^^/             .' .  
      \    |XX| \____(((\       )))_____/`.           /  /   
       `.__|XX|__     \__\     /__/        `.        /x./    
                 \_    XoX     XoX    __   /X`.     /XX/     
                   |_.'  '.___.'  `._|  `./XX/ `.  /`X/      
                   |(  ()  )+(  ()  )|    `X/    `/  /       
                    \`.__.'+++`.__.'/       `.      /        
                     \(____/ \____)/          `.___/         
                      \+++/___\+++/                          
                       )++.-=-.++(                           
                      /-/-/`-'\-\-\                          
                     /-/-/ / \ \-\-\                         
                    (-/-/_/ : \_\-\-)                        
                    /~.~\ \ : / /~.~\                        
                   /.~.~.\ \ / /.~.~.\                       
                  /.~.~.~.\ V /.~.~.~.\                      
                 /.~.~.~.~.\_/.~.~.~.~.\                     
                /.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.\                    
               /.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.\                   
              (.~.'  `--~.~.-' `-.~.~'  `~)                  
               /        / `'     \       \                   
              /  .'    /          \    `. \                  
             /        /            \     ; \                 
            (  {     /              \       )                
             |      /                \      |                
             |     |                  |     |                
             |     |                  |     |                
             |     |                  |     |                
             |_____|_                _|_____|                
             ())))))/                \(((((()                
             (#####|                  |#####)                
             (=====|                  |=====)                
             (#####|                  |#####)                
             /#####|                  |#####\                
        _,xxX###/|#|                  |#|\###Xxx._           
       /#######/  \#\                /#/  \#######\ 

this particular piece of ascii art was made by a girl named "Xena" in 2006.

i found this on the website "ascii art farts" which i think is maybe one of the first

examples of early internet shitposting / meme making. most of the ascii art on this website 

seems to be 'comic strip style.' a lot of it is kind of unbearable to look at as far as the 

actual content of the jokes behind the ascii art. this really only confirms my theory that 

there have always and will always be "edgelords" online. 

i feel like the people who only subscribe to 'offensive comedy' are almost always dumb 

and 100% are slightly deranged at the least. if shock value jokes are all you can come up 

with and laugh at you've got to be affected in some way emotionally, right? 

i guess i think if you've got to have something offensive or shocking in comedy there needs to be 

good nuance or context to back it up. don't just tell me you hate women, tell me why. ya know? 

anyway, this piece by "Xena" is one of my favorites off of this particular ascii art website. 

obviously i like it because it's gay. 

what's your version of "the good kind of dyke" or "the bad kind of dyke" though? 

i think if i absolutely had to think of a bad kind of dyke it would probably have to be 

long haired butches with 'good vibes only' snapbacks. they're not inherently bad because at the 

end of the day they're still special enough to genuinely experience sapphic love in their lifetime. 

not everyone is chosen by god to be able to experience that. 

but their fashion choices are questionable and an easy target for me to make jokes about. 

i'm really sorry long haired butches with 'good vibes only' snapbacks. 

maybe my future wife will be a long haired butch with a 'good vibes only' snapback, 

or was one at some point in her gay career. 

and you know what? i'm happy she's enjoying her hat. past, present, or future tense. 

also i can't really judge. 

so far i've only dated heroin addicts or former heroin addicts. which is crazy because i've still never 

seen heroin in person and it's not a word i google image search very often. what does heroin even look like?

(update: i just google image searched "heroin" and it turns out that it's just a white powder. that's so boring. i imagined it looking crazier. shouldn't it look crazier? just my opinion.)

my favorite heroin adjacent story was definitely when sky ferriera and the guy from diiv 

(zachary cole smith - it's literally so dumb that i even know his name)  were arrested together. 

"The paper reports that Smith was found with a 'plastic bag containing 42 decks of heroin,'

while Ferreira 'was found in possession of ecstasy and resisted arrest.'"

Phillips, Amy. "Sky Ferreira and DIIV's Zachary Cole Smith Arrested." Pitchfork, 

              Pitchfork, 16 Sept. 2013, www.pitchfork.com/news/52305-sky-ferreira-and-diivs-zachary-cole-smith-arrested/.

Breihan, Tom. "Sky Ferreira & DIIV's Zachary Cole Smith Arrested." Stereogum,

             Stereogum, 16. Sept. 2013, www.stereogum.com/1475671/sky-ferreira-diivs-zachary-cole-smith-arrested/video/

this is what they looked like when they got their mugshots taken. i think this is a really funny 

piece of indie gossip history. this is the kind of image that immediately just sort of 

takes me back to when indie gossip meant something to me. 

now all we have to think about is like... i don't know...

lana del rey's famous cop bf? he's ugly and boring. next. 

elon and grimes are funny obviously but simply still too surreal to wrap my head around.  

reading articles about them or seeing gossip (e.g azealia banks' instagram stories) really feels as if 

i'm way too deep down a fanfic rabbit hole. to the point of my perception of reality being fully warped

and i think they're really having a baby together. 

i know i'm rambling here but please enjoy "Xena's" work. 

this blog will be my digital archive and my diary. 

if mark zuckerberg already has my blood type in his iPhone notes or whatever then he can have my diary too.