hope you're happy, jeff!

i've been watching this dandelion grow in my neighbor's yard for like a week now, to the point where i've felt some sort of responsibility over it. when it finally grew into itself and got that cool wispy white hair i was like, okay, it's time for me to help you fill out your fafsa applications. little did i know that i'd wake up early enough today to catch my neighbor on his way to work. his name is jeff and we have "joint custody" of my cat, blanche. she doesn't really go over to his house, which is kind of sad because he lives alone and bought a litter box and everything for her.
anyway, so jeff comes out of his house to hop into his red 4 door car, i have to assume he stops at dunkin' donuts or something on the way to work - it kind of seems like his style. but do you know what he did before getting in the car? i watched this while smoking on my stoop... this man had the audacity to pick the dandelion! he waved at me and said good morning - went on to blow the little particles away - and then said "i hope my wish comes true!" if you know jeff this seems like a very fabricated story, right? he's not full of much whimsy, and based on his youtube account that i found by having his phone number saved he's into coding and thai food only. this seems like a red flag to me but he's nice enough and has a great grilling set-up and a huge porch. one day maybe we'll hang out - but i have invited him to like two dinner parties now and he straight up just will not respond to my texts unless it's about blanche.
technically the dandelion was on his property, so i can't really get too upset with him.
our households are very different so i guess i can also imagine why he would be weary about coming to a dinner party purely based off of the few interactions that we've had over the past two years.
it's probably hard for him to forget about there once being a broken toilet with the word "thot" spray painted on it in my backyard though. there's also absolutely no way he hasn't heard me listening to donny osmond or something (max volume) at 5am with the windows open. we don't have parties that often at my house but when we do they're ridiculous also. this is why i have hay bails in my backyard still, this is why there was a pack of adult diapers getting gross in the rain for weeks under the carport.

in a perfect world i feel like i could impress him if i cooked thai food for him, and then we could be friends.

what's really boggling me about this entire 'dandelion debacle' though? what the h*ll did that guy wish for? soylent subscription? new beard trimmer? car air freshener? two monitors and a rainbow light-up keyboard? noise cancelling headphones?

every time i see him i'm like "this guy would love noise cancelling headphones as a gift." not because he's like a curmudgeon, he's actually never made a noise complaint which is nice of him. he actually asked me what i was listening to the other day which was cute. i think he would like noise cancelling headphones simply because he seems like he would like to hear things better. i can imagine him listening to maybe 'grizzly bear' or 'the black keys' - i'm painting you (what i believe) to be a very well rounded portrait of this guy.

for loungewear i imagine him maybe wearing one of those t-shirts from the movie "the hangover" where there is a baby wearing sunglasses on the front of it. he is either wearing this shirt or a full length silk nightgown with matching nightcap, and stockings. jk i don't think he would ever wear this, but it is funny to think about him potentially wearing that. i can picture him wandering around his renovated two bedroom in this outfit, carrying around a candle with engraved snuffer, trying to fix himself a tempeh sandwich or something in the middle of the night.

but honestly he seems like a pretty levelheaded and nice 30 something year old guy who works in tech and wears button-downs. he definitely likes craft beer, so i thought i would be nice and invite him over for dinner. he went out of town for thanksgiving last year and left a bunch of cat food on my porch with a note attached saying that the food was for blanche. did he think i was going to eat it all before her? he also said "let me know if you need anything" and included his number (leading me to his youtube.) i think this is pretty open ended and i will probably ask to use his grill when it gets warmer out.

i don't think jeff has really ever seen me in a normal outfit. as someone who works from home i am constantly wearing something i don't think i would go out in public in. he has seen me in these bootleg victoria secret pink sweatpants that just say "LOVE" all over them instead of "PINK." they say "dept. of love" or "property of love" in athletic font which i think is really funny. and it's like if i'm going out to smoke i'm just throwing on the first coat i see - and obviously the first coat i see is like a red fur coat because it's a red fur coat.

what i'm saying is that i'd like to hang out with my boring neighbor jeff because i feel like it's too easy for me to just turn him into a caricature of what i imagine him to be like without really having much interaction with him.

i really hope he never reads this, but if he does - i'm really sorry your herb garden died so quickly when you planted it, jeff. i noticed. & there will be other dandelions for me to project my delusions onto in the future! no worries! you're one of the most normal people in my life, i can't lose you bro.

ok final answer for what he wished for though: brooklinen sheets. 



p.s i feel like putting the time and energy into typing this out is going to actually manifest more of a relationship between my boring neighbor jeff and i. what if he turns out to be a circus freak? or addicted to coffee enemas? i'll keep you guys posted. 

p.p.s is this considered fan-fiction? i'm tagging it as fanfic because of the vision of him in his nighttime look eating a tempeh sandwich.