dress up games!!!!!

hey guys,
it's raining during this beautiful quarantined day today and after finishing my book and dipping into the ol' janus films selection i figured now was a better time than ever to use the wayback machine to play dress up games i liked when i was a kid. i used to spend hours on these sites thinking about and trying on every single accessory, in order to perfect the look. it was really fun to play these games as a kid because you didn't have any money for / the boobs to fill out the tops incorporated in the looks you were so easily concocting for a sexy older girl - what was her story? should her bf wear trip pants with flames on them? and a chain wallet? it's fun to play these games now because you still don't have any money to spend on an american flag tube top & your boobs are probably too big or awkward to look good in something so decorative at this point.

the apex of early to mid 2000s virtual 'doll making' websites would have to be "thedollpalace.com" i've linked the homepage of the website because it's historical imo. they have an announcement bar on the side where "Jessica, the owner" writes about updates to the collection, etc.

i really wish more of my emails sounded like this announcement, it's a good one.

here is the link to the actual doll making page, obviously they have more than one but this is kind of all of them put together so it takes a while to load but there are so many more options than your standard dress up game. the different poses and body parts to choose from paired with what clothes work with those choices kind of make it like a puzzle playing experience too.

also okay, i'm playing right now. this is insanely confusing i have no idea how i was able to navigate this dilapidated site as a young girl.
here are my tips for being able to play this game more easily:

1. close the wayback machine pop up at the top of the screen, this will save you a lot of time.
2. to start building your doll, click on the the 'Add Item+' button.
3. a window should open up with different items to add, just click on those items and they should appear in the top left corner of the other window. (they would've been hidden by the wayback machine banner pop up otherwise - this was mostly the confusion i had. also i'm very stoned.)

not very often do i get this frustrated with a website... honestly just look around this one if anything. it kind of takes some patience. dress up games are supposed to dissolve stress not incite it.

here are some easier ones:

olsen twins
http://www.girlgames4u.com/olsen-twins-dress-up-game.html 
i like this one because not only can you dress up the olsen twins as adults, but you can also dress them up as children.

i'm trying to play a game called "extreme dental emergency" on girlgames4u.com right now and honestly you guys? these games are f*cking annoying and have not stood the test of time for me. i guess "extreme dental emergency" is a newer game, but the ads in between an allegedly "extreme" dental emergency kind of tosses all fantasy out of the window for me. 0/10 stars. graphics are wacky though. 10/10.

joanna newsom dress up game...?


okay this e-girl sneaker-head one really was a wild ride ...
https://www.dressupgames.com/diy-trendy-sneakers-design-and-dress-up-game 

not only am i wearing a 'subreme' cross body bag, but i designed my own 'dalenciaga' sneakers.


i think most of the fun in these websites would have to be from 'looking through options' so i urge anyone interested in this sort of thing to just click through the categories and find the games that speak to you. it's all a matter of preference. the world of online dress up games has changed so i don't really feel like someone with the authority to share my favorite picks in this category like i originally thought i was.
there are a ton of cute anime ones though. i recommend this link.

i'm not even going to get into websites like imvu where you can interact with other avatars right now but in short i do think that these games, along with those websites, helped out with my repressed homosexuality as a kid. it is fun to play around with gender on these sites too. i think that's why i like the doll palace drag and drop situation so much, you can really mix and match anything because it's just like a digital collage with pixel art essentially.

please send me screenshots of all of your outfits <3 xo


another good link i found after posting this:
http://elouai.com/chibi/harrypotter/icons.php

elouai is actually a pretty good dress up website, glad i remembered her.

here is my creation:

survivalist pussy mode activated

what a week we've had, huh? 

suburban culture is hilarious and comfortable, and i am actually really grateful to be at my father's house right now vs. doing god knows what (spiraling) at my house, with termites. this came as a surprise to me honestly because my dad is a libertarian and has been lowkey prepping for something like this for years now. this is actually the main reason why i was so hesitant to come to his house in the first place. this is kind of dark but honestly i decided that if shit did hit the fan, rather than go into survivalist pussy mode i would like to just be by myself smoking a blunt in the bathtub or something before eventually committing sui (as they say on reddit) in a beautiful and poetic way. it's just not in my nature to go into survivalist pussy mode - i'm literally way too idealistic and imaginative to be able to fight with people over toilet paper seriously. and i am way too stylish to go out like that. i was trying to imagine what my dad would be like in a crisis, and that thought was not very stylish to me. 

however, to my f*cking surprise i had it all wrong... my dad literally referred to himself as 'the tiki prepper' because as it turns out he was hoarding things like weed and rum for the apocalypse the entire time. like obviously canned food and first aid kits and stuff too, but like mainly things for him to enjoy before perishing i guess? it's not a bad thing to be prepared for emergencies if you also have a life outside of that and aren't just living in fear. realizing that my dad was actually just as invested in making sure he would be happy during an apocalypse in addition to having resources seemed less freaky and doomsday prepper-y to me. the whole prepper thing is also not like a huge aspect of his personality, but his politics are a little wacky. basically he distrusts the government and has a lot to say about aliens. he is actually way more normal than my mom, politically, at this point. i talked to my mom today for the first time all week and she informed me that there would be a 'social media blackout' in april and that coronavirus will cease to exist by good friday. she straight up had no receipts for any of these claims lol. i love my conspiracy theory parents <3 

thankfully i'm pretty normal and levelheaded. (at least i think so.)

(after having that big brained scary moment / mapping out my sui ideas to avoid survivalist pussy i had half a xanax and am fine now.) 

anyway, back to suburban culture. 

pros: 

- walking distance to really pretty trails and bodies of water. 

- clean.

- it's big and spread out so i can just go sit in a field and won't be bothered. 

somewhere in the middle between a pro and a con:

- everyone waves at you, and it's weird if you don't wave back.

- every child i have seen looks the same, and my brother is included. they all play fortnite and wear nike elite athletic socks which is funny and strange to me.  

- mcmansions 

cons: 

- just got invited to a barbecue at "the faulkners" and apparently they have a huge trampoline. 

- no one is social distancing, and everyone is at Marshall's returning their husband's cargo shorts that didn't quite fit right.

- everyone is straight. 

after smoking weed with my dad for the first time a few nights ago (inevitable during quarantine) he's been DMing me posts from @snoopdogg and @cheechandchong on instagram. i think this is really endearing!

this man literally built an entire tiki themed structure in his backyard, with running water and electricity, for the sole purpose of smoking weed in it. my dad loves weed, this is a gene i inherited from both of my parents. (i actually saw an old photo of my grandmother rolling a joint this week, i'm happy to continue the family tradition.) my dad is very discreet about it though because my brother is twelve years old, and kind of a narc for some reason? unfortunately, because of his discreetness (odorless vape) he walked in on me laying on the floor of the bedroom i'm staying in, dimly lit (obviously), jenny hval playing, candle lit, vibing - because he thought the sage i was burning was what weed smelled like and he didn't want my brother to smell it. i think seeing me just laying on the floor in that environment was far more shocking to him compared to him just thinking i had smoked weed inside. why on earth would i smoke weed inside if there is literally a designated weed smoking structure in the backyard? 

i think it's mostly just a flex piece on the other suburban dads. 

caroline and i facetimed for a few hours and watched lemony snicket's series of unfortunate events. (not the neil patrick harris version, obviously.) count olaf, despite his major character flaws, did kind of serve a myriad of looks in this film. whatever happened to count olaf? he kind of fell off more recently. 

and yesterday or the day before (i honestly have no idea, there is no perception of time in quarantine) i sat by a lake all day and painted watercolor landscapes. while all of you heathens were fixated on premarital sex, i (an intellectual) smoked weed by a lake and just sat in the sun, admiring all of the flowers blooming for spring. i'm simply in my walden pond bag right now and you can't handle it! 

if the weather wasn't so good i'm really not sure how i'd be doing cooped up like this. thankfully it's spring and i can walk on top of fallen cherry blossoms on the way to all of my nature destinations. 

i've simply read like 4 books, watched 3 movies, and now that i have access to a working laptop who knows what media i'll get into. most of my time has been dedicated to this somewhat realistic latch hook portrait of a horse i've been working on. i must admit that it looks fantastic thus far. sorry if this is considered to be bragging. 

honestly i'm quite thankful for this time to slow down, although i'm not really sure how i'll be paying my rent. (got laid off from the clickbait content farm due to covid related chaos, probably for the best though.) as usual - i will manifest rent. if i actually focus on feeling like i have rent already, i can bring rent into fruition. before i realized that you can actually manifest anything i was only unknowingly manifesting dumb shit like furniture i wanted. if you go back on my twitter feed you can actually see where i wrote something to the effect of "i want a midcentury modern credenza" and then just an hour later or something i wrote "just got a midcentury modern credenza for $24." so now i just have to tweet "i want free medicare for all" on twitter. another good underdeveloped manifestation story was when i manifested a tall boy can of enlightenmint yerba mate. i was literally fiending for that specific drink, specifically a tall boy, and was texting someone about how badly i wanted one. the building i worked in did not have this drink being sold anywhere but guess who walked into the store i was working in? a yerba mate rep offering me an ice cold free tall boy of enlightenmint yerba mate?? i was so thirsty... the yerba rep seemed angelic. 

anything you put energy into will come to you as if by magic, if it's meant for you. it's funny how you can feel things working in your favor sometimes. anyway, this is what i'll be focusing on so that i can pay rent. if anyone would like to know more about this, let me know. 

it's honestly miraculous that the second i filled up my notebook this laptop started working again. 

god said get on blogger.com, bitch! anyone else undergoing a major stirring of consciousness during this quarantine? 

i totally forgot what it was like to facetime with people for a really long period of time - everyone literally is like 'hold on i need to go pee' and you can just hear them pee in the background. this is bonding! 

"love in the age of coronavirus"

it is simply true that i've probably already made too many covid jokes. when something is relatable to everyone on earth it's kind of hard not to lean into that urge to post though. i feel like maybe if anyone was going to get this virus it would probably be me because i'm special and cute. so it's convenient that i'm usually already in quarantine, churning out clickbait for the content mill. i feel like (comedically speaking) it's my time to shine as someone who self isolates and loves it.

here's what i bought at the grocery store to sustain me through the indefinite quarantine: 

- a bag of radishes 

- 3 large bottles of flavored seltzer water (on sale for 60¢) (fuji apple, tangerine mango, and blackberry lemonade) 

- 3 cans of solid white albacore tuna (???)

- 2 boxes of gluten free pasta 

- 1 box of not gluten free pasta 

- 'very vanilla' soymilk from the brand 'silk' 

- a family sized box of 'pops' cereal 

- 1 cucumber 

- 1 pint of cute and sweet cherry tomatoes

- 1 5lb sack of clementines (should have gotten more, i'm such an idiot. going to eat these in like 1 or 2 days probably)

-  baby swiss cheese 

- arugula 

- bacon 

- 1 70¢ loaf of 'everything bagel' flavored 'french bread' 

- white wine 

- a 40oz of colt 45

- 2 frozen pizzas 

- 1 avocado lol 

- 3 packs of marlboro red 100s (i'm going to have to ration these. hopefully the quarantine forces me to stop smoking.) 

- AA batteries for vibrator 

- cat food 

- gummy candy <3 xo 

now that i've written all of this out i can see that my shopping list is incredibly whack, for whatever reason though... this is what made sense to me while i was in the grocery store. 

my roommate is going to utah to see her dad and maybe i will dip into her supply if she gets stuck there. 

here are my plans for the quarantine: 

- finish all paintings i have started, start 3 more

- twitter.com 

- learn how to walk on water. i have a moat in my backyard that i feel could be utilized more (?) 

- learn russian or something

- eat clementines

- commit all of the seven deadly sins

- write 14 books 

- easily get all 14 books published through major publishing houses because they're good

- record 7 studio albums with bonus tracks (music videos for each song - is that just a visual album?) 

- record a fake boiler room dj set video (green screen)

- record a fake lot radio dj set video (green screen) 

- figure out the termite situation in my house - they are literally chewing through the wall right now and it's really freaky and i don't know what to do. where should i move when my lease is up in summer... maybe i'm done with atlanta... wow... damn the termites got me that f*cked up i guess. 

honestly though i should just sublease my room in this house and just go be crazy elsewhere for a while. "live off the land..." coronavirus is kind of 'harshing my mellow' ? (do people say this?) is it selfish to keep my travel plans - like i said i would probably get this virus based off of everything else i've experienced in my lifetime. it just seems like it might just be 'part of my story' but who knows. 

anyway, isn't this, like, the funniest thing you've ever seen?

actually you know what? i'm far too cute to acquire covid. 

cancelling my flights xo even though i want to purchase more tickets because they're so d*mn cheap right now. 

honestly, i was going to go to nyc and then take a $40 amtrak to albany to surprise the hoes in vermont but bennington campus is on lockdown and it's cold there right now anyway... i need to see the lush green mountains... you're all invited. beautiful photo ops. and i have been thinking about this one sandwich in albany, ny everyday for like 2 years straight now. mommy wants. 1 day... 

hope you're happy, jeff!

i've been watching this dandelion grow in my neighbor's yard for like a week now, to the point where i've felt some sort of responsibility over it. when it finally grew into itself and got that cool wispy white hair i was like, okay, it's time for me to help you fill out your fafsa applications. little did i know that i'd wake up early enough today to catch my neighbor on his way to work. his name is jeff and we have "joint custody" of my cat, blanche. she doesn't really go over to his house, which is kind of sad because he lives alone and bought a litter box and everything for her.
anyway, so jeff comes out of his house to hop into his red 4 door car, i have to assume he stops at dunkin' donuts or something on the way to work - it kind of seems like his style. but do you know what he did before getting in the car? i watched this while smoking on my stoop... this man had the audacity to pick the dandelion! he waved at me and said good morning - went on to blow the little particles away - and then said "i hope my wish comes true!" if you know jeff this seems like a very fabricated story, right? he's not full of much whimsy, and based on his youtube account that i found by having his phone number saved he's into coding and thai food only. this seems like a red flag to me but he's nice enough and has a great grilling set-up and a huge porch. one day maybe we'll hang out - but i have invited him to like two dinner parties now and he straight up just will not respond to my texts unless it's about blanche.
technically the dandelion was on his property, so i can't really get too upset with him.
our households are very different so i guess i can also imagine why he would be weary about coming to a dinner party purely based off of the few interactions that we've had over the past two years.
it's probably hard for him to forget about there once being a broken toilet with the word "thot" spray painted on it in my backyard though. there's also absolutely no way he hasn't heard me listening to donny osmond or something (max volume) at 5am with the windows open. we don't have parties that often at my house but when we do they're ridiculous also. this is why i have hay bails in my backyard still, this is why there was a pack of adult diapers getting gross in the rain for weeks under the carport.

in a perfect world i feel like i could impress him if i cooked thai food for him, and then we could be friends.

what's really boggling me about this entire 'dandelion debacle' though? what the h*ll did that guy wish for? soylent subscription? new beard trimmer? car air freshener? two monitors and a rainbow light-up keyboard? noise cancelling headphones?

every time i see him i'm like "this guy would love noise cancelling headphones as a gift." not because he's like a curmudgeon, he's actually never made a noise complaint which is nice of him. he actually asked me what i was listening to the other day which was cute. i think he would like noise cancelling headphones simply because he seems like he would like to hear things better. i can imagine him listening to maybe 'grizzly bear' or 'the black keys' - i'm painting you (what i believe) to be a very well rounded portrait of this guy.

for loungewear i imagine him maybe wearing one of those t-shirts from the movie "the hangover" where there is a baby wearing sunglasses on the front of it. he is either wearing this shirt or a full length silk nightgown with matching nightcap, and stockings. jk i don't think he would ever wear this, but it is funny to think about him potentially wearing that. i can picture him wandering around his renovated two bedroom in this outfit, carrying around a candle with engraved snuffer, trying to fix himself a tempeh sandwich or something in the middle of the night.

but honestly he seems like a pretty levelheaded and nice 30 something year old guy who works in tech and wears button-downs. he definitely likes craft beer, so i thought i would be nice and invite him over for dinner. he went out of town for thanksgiving last year and left a bunch of cat food on my porch with a note attached saying that the food was for blanche. did he think i was going to eat it all before her? he also said "let me know if you need anything" and included his number (leading me to his youtube.) i think this is pretty open ended and i will probably ask to use his grill when it gets warmer out.

i don't think jeff has really ever seen me in a normal outfit. as someone who works from home i am constantly wearing something i don't think i would go out in public in. he has seen me in these bootleg victoria secret pink sweatpants that just say "LOVE" all over them instead of "PINK." they say "dept. of love" or "property of love" in athletic font which i think is really funny. and it's like if i'm going out to smoke i'm just throwing on the first coat i see - and obviously the first coat i see is like a red fur coat because it's a red fur coat.

what i'm saying is that i'd like to hang out with my boring neighbor jeff because i feel like it's too easy for me to just turn him into a caricature of what i imagine him to be like without really having much interaction with him.

i really hope he never reads this, but if he does - i'm really sorry your herb garden died so quickly when you planted it, jeff. i noticed. & there will be other dandelions for me to project my delusions onto in the future! no worries! you're one of the most normal people in my life, i can't lose you bro.

ok final answer for what he wished for though: brooklinen sheets. 



p.s i feel like putting the time and energy into typing this out is going to actually manifest more of a relationship between my boring neighbor jeff and i. what if he turns out to be a circus freak? or addicted to coffee enemas? i'll keep you guys posted. 

p.p.s is this considered fan-fiction? i'm tagging it as fanfic because of the vision of him in his nighttime look eating a tempeh sandwich.

explaining why the h*ll i love kate bush so much

i'd like to start off this post by saying yes, it is true - and i've said it before - tavi gevinson taught me when i was like 12 or 13 that fangirling should be celebrated and embraced as an essential part of 'girlhood' as a concept. this has always been something i've felt generally self conscious about because 'girlhood' as a concept is embarrassing in most ways.
i think my fangirling peaked when i was around 14 and got really into the burger records fandom.
being a cog in this online community of mostly teen girls living in southern california who were obsessed with colleen green or whatever (to make a long story short) led to having a lot of online pen-pals who i would send stickers and zines to about all of the music we liked. it's been interesting to watch all of these girls grow into who they are now, and how all of our interests have shifted. some of them are like married now? wild.

today i'd like to discuss kate bush. for me, liking kate bush transcends 'fangirling' - i can't say this about too many things.


this is a photo set of my mother and kate bush just to set the tone.

as i'm sure you can imagine she is a huge fan of kb. i'd venture to say she's a collector. in her possession are boxes and boxes of  kate bush fanzines with lyrics and illustrations, rare records, bootlegs, merch etc etc etc. she even traveled to a 'kate bush convention' to meet her and they were wearing the same outfit by coincidence?

she's not insane because she has other interests, and i understand why she was/is like this. i mean, if you're reading this and you're on my wavelength about why her music is so important then you get it.

thankfully my mother took advantage of her own era of fangirling and held onto all of these important things. listening to kate bush together has always felt like a very common ground between us, and a defining link in our connection as mother and daughter. spiritually, her music affects both of us deeply & equally. anytime kb comes on it's like any angst or resentment towards her that i have ever harbored just washes away instantly and reminds me of our connection at it's core - and that's love, baby!

honestly, growing up i never realized how intuitive or 'spiritually inclined' my mother inherently was. i mean, i think all mothers are, but she never really talked about religion or spirituality to me very often, if ever. i think she wanted me to figure out my own sh*t which i'm appreciative of.

she's told me in the past that she was actually hoarding most of the kate bush stuff in order to pass onto the singular daughter she believed she would have in the future / would have 'visions' of during her youth as a club kid.

to further prove my point about the major importance of 'synchronicity' and 'odd occurrences' that have always been weaved throughout my existence i'd like to share this photo of a drawing my mother purchased in 1996 during her kate bush stan mecca pilgrimage to london:

this photo freaks me out! that's me as a kid! i have no idea who made this, neither does my mother - but like... y'all. okay. here's a great photo of me as a kid for reference:

i was experimenting with makeup and blow drying a fake dog <3 xo

<-- this is my mother










<-- this is me







like i was saying - she straight up told me she used to have visions of like a little redheaded girl in her dreams and then purchased that drawing on impulse 3 years before i was born?

side note but my name was originally supposed to be BRONWYN !!!!!!!!!! until my mom (thankfully) overheard a mother in a park say "kaitlin!" and she looked over and it was like... a little redheaded girl - then it clicked and now i'm here. my mom told the story a lot better than i just did, but i'd like to meet that girl 1day.

here's a photo of me at piedmont park cosplaying as my predecessor:

anyway back to kate bush,
the first noise i ever heard coming into this lifetime was kate bush... i was literally birthed to this music! birthed to kate bush, baptized by howard finster. a blessing and a curse! i think this is why i am insane.

and you'd think - oh well this b*tch likes kate bush so much because her mom was a stan. like obviously, yes it's in my orbit as a result of her being my mother but i never fully realized how important her music was to me personally until i grew into myself a bit more, which i'm thankful for. we'd listen to kb in the car together while i was growing up and sing along to it together, but i was too young to actually understand the lyrics and ... energy/power this music holds.

basically kate bush's music feels like an integral part of my being? it's probably not good to give so much weight to media in a real world emotional sense, but i do actually feel this way about her music. my mother and i have a really unique relationship & bond (haven't even scratched the surface) but kate bush amplifies it is all i'm saying.

i feel like i got heavily into kate bush on my own too, like i don't feel as if my mom tried to force me to listen to it or anything. her songs always kind of just made their way into my rotation when they needed to be (as long as i've been alive) and that's another reason why i love kate bush.
seems otherworldly!

my mom said if i don't play "mother stands for comfort" at her funeral she will haunt me. i believe her! stop talking about your funeral though? if i ever need to cry on command this is the conversation that i think about. i think i used this trick during a play when i was in elementary school. i remember one of the drama teachers telling me to like think about "puppies dying, or something" and i was already deep into thinking about my mom telling me about her very serious funeral arrangements in 4th grade. she's a leo!

i think kate bush, for me at least, embodies the spirit of femininity - like she has so many beautiful and varied songs. the dreaming?????? b*tch wtf... like that's feral creative manic mode. no f*cks given. meanwhile you've got like some of the most beautifully written pieces of music ... ever? and she wrote them WHEN? when she was in her TEENS? try and expect a hoe not to be impressed and overtaken.

but yeah - i feel like i'm listening to god when i listen to kate bush, depending on my mood.

"mother stands for comfort" by kate bush 

and for fun ... here's a photo of the 3 generations of women prior to me, weird how none of them have red hair. i have to include this photo because like... the glamour... 

i'm glad i grew up without the money because i'm a very hard worker as a result but it is fun to think about your family once owning the liberace mansion before all the money went away. 

and if anyone is interested in buying liberace's wells fargo credit card (found in his estate) i am selling it on ebay right now. how the times have changed. ;) 

the card says "mr. liberace" on it and that's it???

i'm not staying on topic here but this is essential viewing - probably one of the most ridiculous videos i've ever watched. i love it.

my takeaways after reading this post back while pretending to be someone else:

1) kaitlin and her mom have a freaky bond and are both insane
2) kaitlin loves kate bush
3) kaitlin's name was almost bronwyn
4) liberace?


okay signing off xoxoxo