Night Scented Shot of Tequila

 You know how when you wake up and you think it's because someone knocked on your door? Like you definitely heard a knock but then it's just silent when you come to and actually start thinking about things. I used to think these unclaimed knocks were demonic to some extent but this morning for example I heard a knock in 3s which is like 'classically demonic' or whatever but it felt like a little angel or something just trying to wake me up gently because they knew I had to get some work done before making brunch for adelaida. I will probably make homemade matzo crackers and cover them in a high quality dark chocolate as part of the brunch just because i'm craving that. i want to make them into perfect squares like the store bought ones bc I feel like it'll make them taste better.. all the recipes online seem to push the rustic cracker vibe though. food photography is so funny. like either it's rustic and messy, but still really overthought/ planned out, or it's like people using glue or cotton balls to make a clump of mashed potato with a perfect slice of butter stay like that for 20-30 minutes, steaming terribly. I would feel bad if it was my job as a food photographer to do weird stuff to the food like that. I feel like it's totally possible to just cook something very photogenic and just take a photo with like decent lighting. Remember when instagram was like #foodie central? and everyone would just post what they were eating for breakfast? and then it turned into this thing where people would make fun of the people who were posting stuff like that? i really felt like the food posts were the most genuine and i also liked going to restaurants and seeing people taking photos of their meals from all different angles before eating. it's very "i never want to forget this moment" and i respect that. im constantly taking pictures of things, to an annoying point, with flash. Caroline and I are so obnoxious at parties for this but we could easily make scrapbooks which i can't say for a lot of you hoes. Now that parties dont exist im happy to have the flash photography to look at. not that im like fondly reminiscing about drinking a Truly Hard Seltzer and doing coke off of a metal sign that says "Tequila: Now Entering The Pants Optional Portion Of The Evening" in noah jackson's living room but like, it was definitely a different vibe to look back on. I wonder what happened to that sign, I put it in my bag on the way out that night and noah told me to please keep it because he hated it. I don't know what possessed me to want to steal that from someone's house. 

It really has been a while since I've made a decent life update on here, obviously this blog is more for me than it is for anyone else but I finally started doing tattoos for people again, it's really crazy how people trust me to give them a tramp stamp, or drive from Tennessee to let me stick a needle in them for hours at a time. Another update is that I did shoplift again, and don't feel bad about it. On my birthday I stole a pair of Chloe high waisted jeans that don't fit me because I'm so short. I guess I just needed to remind myself that none of that stuff is real and the jeans aren't that well made compared to like, a pair of old navy pants. I will probably sell the pants on Poshmark for money to contribute to my move back to new england, chloe jeans could chip in for a big portion of one of those bed in a box mattresses (Casper, Tuft & Needle, etc. etc.) that I feel like no matter how expensive it'll just probably give me extensive back pain. But also I feel like everything will gvie me extensive back pain no matter what. But yeah that's the big life update actually: I'm moving back to vermont literally because it's pretty up there... Period. I'm just going to paint and work on writing and probably get a part time job or just keep doing social media work like i've been doing. Then maybe I'll reemerge in a few years if I feel like it. Basically the rent in atlanta is only getting higher and I really don't want a bunch of roommates i feel like I aged 100 years at my last house. there were 12 different people there throughout the 3 years i was living there like. How does that even happen? and of course I just had to be house mother and stick it out the entire time until the landlord literally sold the house.. Now I have like no belongings, just a bunch of books and a drawing table & desk in public storage right now which feels crazy. So i have to build a bed frame and a frame for a couch to take to vermomnt in the uhaul, because I dont want to have to build it there bc I would have to buy tools initially. I will probably order a bunch of tools off of amazon, and then tell them that the order never came. I know people who have done that with tools before and it felt smart to me. Anyway, i'm moving with my internet friend Jamie who i met through making memes on instagram. they're a kindred spirit so I'm excited. theyre moving from the bay area. Every day we text back and forth pictures of sweaters or maple syrup and talk all giddy manic fizzy bubbly about the move. I think we both deserve to be up on a mountain, smoking a joint. It's only fair. Landlords in vermont so far are way nicer than ones in atlanta or california - i was talking to this one old lady landlord named Tordis on craigslist and she was like "How can the apartment better suit your needs? <3 xoxo" Tordis is going to make me end the email with " i love you" i swear to god. Landlords elsewhere are like ok. 17 documents for proof of income, your blood type, scan of renewed passport, a lock of your mother's hair, and please repost and tag me on a photo of you filling out the application on your instagram story .  Bro i'm trying to smoke a joint with Tordis on a mountain. .. I don't have time for games anymore. I will probably literally settle down and start a family in the north east eventually it  just makes more sense. I really want kids or at least dogs and i can't see myself doing that and living in one of those ugly AF carpeted luxury studio apartments for $1500+/mo .. we're gnna get an apartment but eventually i think I want a little house. Maybee I can live out my freaky howard finster vibe and put his haunting voice in the back of my head to work and have a sculpture garden. That is definitely one thing i feel like i should do before moving out of Georgia.. I should go to paradise gardens. my roommate offered to take me and was shocked i hadnt been in my adult life considering he baptized me but honestlyt im scared it would be overwhelming. I wonder if they made howard finster take lithium too? Probably not. If ur far enough away from society u can just go crazy in ur farm house and make sculptures AF. 

you should look at this picture ^ of the sign i snorted coke off of, and listen to this song at the same time:

 

update dec 2020

Haven't blogged in a while. 

Here is a 4chan format speed run of 2020 from July - December. 

> resigns lease with 2 new roommates

> roommates move in, everyone is having a great time - no issues interpersonally with anyone. 

> black mold is discovered in the front half of the house including both of the new roommates bedrooms and shared bathroom. 

> we tell our landlord immediately, he comes over the next day and feverishly bleaches all of the walls, then immediately emails us saying that a mold test came back negative / it was dust and for us to clean the house better. 

> we call our own mold specialist to get a quote and buy a cheap home depot mold test kit, take a sample, and mail it to the lab. test results are expected to come in 5 days minimum. interesting that our landlords alleged test came back negative on the same day. 

> our results obviously come back positive because... it was clearly black mold. period.. 

> landlords & i are in a heated email back and forth for months about them getting the mold treated, but they were not agreeing to do anything about it because I was only able to pay partial rent after losing my job, which they said was fine. 

> landlords start demanding money & threatening to evict me if I didn't pay back rent. 

> roommates move out because it was taking too long for the landlords to do anything and all of their belongings were getting mold damage & like.. health risk vibes <3 totally understandable and I'm glad they were able to move out when they did. 

> literally had to crowdfund for back rent. & now my rent was not split 3 ways and i felt bad asking the other roommates to continue paying because they didn't know the house had mold when they signed the lease. 

> paid off the back rent before the due date. still living alone in black mold at full price. painting feverishly throughout the night & chain smoking a lot. 

> still living alone in black mold, but my landlord randy was coming over every now and again with bleach. they (the landlords are a married couple, I wish randy was nb though) were really surprised and pissed off that I was able to pay off the back rent. They wanted to evict me so they could just sell the house. 

> my annoying ass still at the house alone being a freak. 

> they finally give in and try to take care of the mold with professionals. 

> my mom gets evicted <3 

> organize, pack, and clear out a 3 story hoarder house singlehandedly in 4 days 

> mom guilt trips me into keeping her emotional support glass china cabinet and curio cabinet set. Early 2000s ethan allen, light wood, quite ugly.

> i give in and now have a china cabinet set, lots of other things too. and boxes upon boxes of film and music industry memorabilia that she is urging me to sell on ebay for money for her. 

> realized all of these items are literally all i will have left to remember my mom by materially and i'm 21 and they're all in my mold riddled house right now. 

> mom moves in with my grandpa, uncle, and family friend Raquel's townhouse that they're renting in Johns Creek. 

> they literally aren't letting her eat with them / are all acting weird and generally unwelcoming. 

> i'm like okay, i don't have any roommates now - my mom could move into my house, my landlord is fixing the mold professionally and we'll see what happens. i had a pretty promising executive marketing position lined up that would've let me pay the full rent without an issue. i was not super excited about the job itself but really needed money.

> my mom starts moving into my house without me really giving her the okay / she's sleeping in my bed multiple days a week. 

> still technically unemployed, have had multiple interviews with this company. 

> landlords tell me theyve sold the house and that I have 30 days to move out. I don't think this was legal and I definitely could've taken them to court but at this point i was so exhausted i just didn't even care anymore. 

> jesus take the wheel 

> i sell everything i own as fast as humanly possible, quickly enhance the strained relationship with my father by smoking weed together while he helped me with my garage sale. 

> i move into my dad's house in october (god send) going mentally insane in april was also a god send because i don't think i would've been met with the same amount of sympathy in this situation otherwise, which i'm fine with. 

> the marketing job is strung along a bit more, i'm blaming it on corporate timing which is dismal, but ultimately they decided not to hire me (which is what i kind of wanted) but again, i don't think i would've been met with the same amount of sympathy or hospitality if i didn't at least have some sort of job prospect in the works when i initially moved in. 

> jerry saltz blocks my meme page @saltzcellectuals on instagram. 

> i think i would've killed myself doing marketing for a large corporation that assembles bikes and grills at walmarts and home depots among other big box stores across the nation. what the fuck do they even need to market? they've got huge accounts already. it was a bizarre job option. 

> almost worked at a daycare teaching art but thought that would be frumpy eventually, and not long term. 

> my dad offers me construction work with him. we start constructing a tiki bar in inman park. very cold - lots of bamboo. exclusively listening to Devo radio on spotify. if we did not have our legal CBD vape that makes us high this would've been really terrible but thanks to weed it was actually bonding and i just bit my tongue a lot. ultimately i think our relationship is in such a better place than it was previously. big accomplishment. 

> i start jogging and shaving my legs more regularly, getting stoned and going to hockey games and motorcross races at dixie motor speedway. if there was ever a place to contract covid it would probably be at dixie motor speedway but i love drinking hot fucked up coffee and eating a hot dog at 11pm. 

> at this point i'm fully convinced i'm giving birth to twins either physically within the next few years or spiritually in the sense of 2 creative projects happening simultaneously. i'm thinking the latter might be more realistic at this point in time but sometimes i feel the children in dreams and have been seeing little redheaded twin babies every time i leave the house. so strange. 

> took 4 pills of kratom with my mom on thanksgiving 

Maria I'm Drunk (feat. Justin Bieber & Young Thug) - Travis Scott

good afternoon,
today i made a vegetable quiche.
life <3 goes on

my new roommates bf is a classic 'tame impala fan' tinder chad and we put the dining room table back together using power tools last night. then i smoked a joint in his car. bonding <3 then i drank a whole bottle of white wine and then my roommate told me she's gay and doesn't know what to do about him essentially. it's because i have been making them watch my gay movies with me, and doing dyke activities under the carport (sanding my desk in my white summertime shorts.)  i don't think the bf likes the movies but who cares. he is nice enough and 'likes to party', he wears tie dye sometimes if i am remembering him correctly. i wonder if they actually met on tinder, i haven't asked them how they met honestly he just keeps coming over to the house and helping me reach things i can't normally reach in the kitchen. i wonder what his tinder anthem was/is?
my new roommate also brought her cat, named "juice", and we have been watching youtube tutorials to try and get juice and blanche to get along but they keep hissing at each other and being aggro for no reason.

anyway can you guys believe david hockney said (verbatim) "if you do not smoke, you'll simply get coronavirus"



i smoked a cigar (like david hockney) to celebrate alex buying a house before turning 26.
it's soooo so ooo (bjork email style) crazy he bought a house this week and all i did was write an article called "20 TikTok Recipes We Think You'll Want To Try..."




also here is a link to travis scott's old blog... wigggg in orbit. ...

http://12340art.blogspot.com/

period

Quip Toothbrush makes me wanna KMS!

i'm going to be honest and just say that medication has made it really hard to type things, or even really think things. this has been a fairly confusing and frustrating time for my brain. i can at least read, but can't really form too many opinions about what i'm reading which is also kind of scary.
(weaning off meds soon hopefully, can't believe i will be facetiming a doctor this week - i am going to add face stickers or something silly while he is talking)
i'm glad i was able to authentically adopt a 'f*ck it' attitude about the work that i do, whatever that is. the main takeaway from isolation and introspection has been that it's more productive and meaningful to produce work (mainly writing) that is for me, not some imagined / romanticized audience. i don't think this makes me less ambitious either. i think maybe that's why i've always enjoyed blogging - you don't have to share the link with anyone, but if you choose to tag relevant things sometimes people will find whatever you're gabbing about through google.
i just finished reading the book "exquisite mariposa" by fiona alison duncan (so good) and through that book finally realized why i subconsciously hadn't been even trying to publish articles anymore. they don't feel real! being a journalist was so silly, like i didn't feel like i did a good job unless it sounded like something akin to whatever BS i was reading by men in their 30s about music at the time. and to some extent i still feel that way, in the sense that pitchfork for example is sort of a corporate entity, and it doesn't feel like the writers themselves have their own distinct voices separate from pitchfork. i'm probably wrong, and honestly don't read pitchfork anymore but that's just kind of the vibe i get. the number ratings always rubbed me the wrong way. they're good from a marketing standpoint in that readers can just look at the number, agree or get mad about it, and keep on truckin' right? true absolutes like that don't really belong, from like an ethical/moral standpoint at least, in music journalism because what you're writing about is so subjective, emotional, and personal to begin with. it worked with anthony fantano because that was just one guy, and when he started out i liked that he took the number rating. he's kind of like the human byproduct of pitchfork ethos but at least he wasn't working for them, still adjacent in viewpoint though. inspiring to some extent but simply not my vibe. i could never be a youtuber. maybe a podcaster, but not a youtuber. i feel like that's giving away too much.

i think what i'm trying to say here is that i'm having a midlife crisis at 21. last year around this time i was deep in the throes of aspiring to have enough money to justify buying $30 scented candles from anthropologie on a regular basis, and saving up for dumb things like a $40 copper 'quip' toothbrush. a toothbrush! social media marketing made me feel like i didn't have my life together if my house wasn't something similar to the apartment therapy instagram feed. i wanted more stability and was seeking it out through overpriced 'self-care' products. when i wasn't lifting boxes, running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, and chain smoking with the boys at work i was desperately trying to fill my life with sleekly designed items that were targeted at me (with a fury.) i think i was depressed but honestly i was smoking so much weed and eating so much candy it was hard to tell at the time.

now every morning i wake up and see my $40 toothbrush that i couldn't afford at the time and i'm like, damn - i really hustled for a toothbrush because of its design. that's so depressing. honestly pinterest kind of fucked me up more than tumblr ever did. mainly because i didn't interact with too many people on tumblr, just reblogged art i liked. on pinterest everything kind of looks the same, and it all looks really clean. i used to appreciate character in a living space, pinterest crushed that for me and i felt like my house was dirty no matter what because i didn't have a terrazzo backsplash and marble counters. now i'm like "f*ck it"

but where tf do i go from here? the "f*ck it" attitude seems less marketable creatively, as far as actually making money goes. i don't really feel like groveling to make money at this point. i don't really understand the high art world & it's intricacies, i kind of just want to party. is there some kind of 'movement' going on outside of like, instagram famous painters like chloe wise that are kind of like ... talented socialites... ? i don't read anything about art or know sh*t about it. it feels silly to me. & the closest thing to an exciting literary 'movement' we've had since being online 'happened' was alt-lit which had it's 15 minutes, and then got kind of ruined by a lot of the male writers, both talented and untalented ones. & climbing the ladder and 'infiltrating' these circles sounds like hell to me.

like... through social media it's perceived that you kind of have to live in either nyc or la to get anywhere as a 'creative' - why would i put myself through being a starving artist in such a high cost city ???? i think i'd die!!!! if not die from lack of funds, i would probably die from pure exhaustion of trying to network with people which feels humiliating. tbh the dream would be to like organically become friends w people who .. f*ck with the vision.. but why is everyone so cynical and cold and generally aloof? i really don't want to become like that, but feel like i at least have to try to be in order to be taken seriously? maybe i'm wrong and am just talking up my ass? all i know is that i like to write, and i like to paint, and i'd like to be taken seriously for doing that. f*ck - i want to make money doing that. but i don't want to eventually hate the craft because i hate the hustle. the hustle feels faaake!!!!!!!! the only solution would be to start a gallery or publication or small press. i don't know sh*t about galleries. andrew and i have been emailing back and forth about virtual gallery stuff but we're both too insane working on our own stuff to make it work in a timely fashion lol. i've tried to start multiple publications or zines or lit mags or whatever but i was in high school and they didn't stick because i was a silly teen! tsk tsk 

and it would literally be dumb for me to say that by keeping this blog i'm protesting larger publications or something. i think the magic in keeping a blog is just writing for yourself, typing. in some ways this feels more real than writing in a journal, but in some ways writing in a journal feels more real than writing a blog post. sometimes you need variety maybe? i don't know. all i do know is that keeping a blog and writing about whatever the h*ll i want without pressure feels more real than writing any form of journalism, or pretending to be successful - at least for me. also blogging is free <3 & of course the last wave of music journalism that meant anything to me or felt real? bloggers! and i'll stand by that until something good happens to 'the industry' on a large scale again.

sometimes it feels like the only way to be a self-starter in 2020 on a large scale is by "disrupting the industry" whatever that means. disrupting the industry seems to be the new version of starting facebook or something. there are probably 1million articles written from this viewpoint but none on my own personal blog, so let me talk my sh*t. if i wanted to disrupt the mulch industry (???) i would simply study mulch trends (lol), rebrand the mulch packaging to look like it would only be sold at boutique succulent shops, but have an online recurring subscription option for the mulch (while still selling wholesale to boutique succulent shops, and eventually striking a deal with Target.)
you don't have to haul the bag from home depot into your car anymore. it just arrives on your porch every few months. imagine 'replenishing your mulch' the old fashioned way - i literally can't anymore.

my new idea of being a self-starter in 2020 would have to be writing stupid sh*t freely, drinking off-brand seltzer, taking yourself seriously, listening to kundalini awakening guided meditations on youtube, smoking weed, having enough money to justify buying flowers for your house.

hit the mf reset button!

alright, to update anyone who reads this blog i'd like to say that yes - i did spiral out on twitter and acquire a huuuge ego for a few days. i gotta say, it was kind of funny. feeling much better after going to the psychiatric hospital - cute right? ego-deathed 100x and am now myself again which is a good feeling.
i'm really happy that it was like... manic euphoria and not anything 'dark' 'scary' or generally 'bad.' wasn't suicidal or even slightly depressed.
but when i got to the hospital they essentially locked my ass in a room with a surveillance camera and because i really had no real sense of what was going on i got super paranoid. thought i was hallucinating bugs / was having withdrawals as if i was detoxing from heroin or something and not nicotine. was weird. turns out the living conditions in that unit were just f*cked and the bugs were real. who knew you could get hospitalized for thinking too damn hard about the inherent beauty of art and music and nature. thankfully i outlined a lot of ideas i had in my diary but like more than anything i think i was able to work through a lot of trauma i didn't even know i was even harboring. clean slate time... ! did i learn telepathy? yes. do i stand by what i said? yes. it came out for a reason just wish i could remember more of my episode. i literally got my head bashed in by this girl named gigi and then she bit me on the neck like a vampire. i barely remember this happening to me but i definitely have a bite on my neck? and others told me this happened. i probably deserved it tbh i was acting like a god damn bonafide freak. i swear they put me in that room just to see how crazy i would get, ya know? gigi and i are friends now, and another girl in the unit told me that i was levitating in the hallway at 4am one night. i definitely felt like i was opening up doors with my mind? i know i sound crazy but i s2g if anyone looked back at the security footage it would look like paranormal activity 9000.
when i got tired of essentially protesting and refusing to eat etc. (??? not my style) they moved me to a much nicer unit filled with moms on cymbalta for the most part. we exchanged instant pot recipes and talked about gardening. it was kind of like a pinterest come to life. i read 2 of those books that you only ever see at the airport or those free little library neighborhood box things. like the mild erotica books all written by old ladies under a pseudonym like "amanda silver" or something and the book is called "deception" or "scandal" or "stiletto nights" - you know exactly what i'm talking about. this was great fuel for writing fanfic. hated not being able to have a pencil. gave away all of my clothes in the first unit lol ... who cares at this point.
what's really been boggling me is how i've been essentially warping technology - other people have been pointing it out so i know it's not just my mind too. my phone is a shell of itself right now, the home button fell off and it looks like it's been run over by a truck. but in the hospital i would walk by the tv and the channel would just... change to something relevant like church choirs singing or something. this happened 2 or 3 times. it changed to cathedral live stream, food network, or hgtv lmao. fitting.
i had 2 nicknames that were given to me in the first unit "annabelle doll" and "little paprika pepper."
in the second unit everyone gave me their email to keep in touch with them because they thought i was an interesting youngster. can't wait to see what these women write to me, should be an interesting pen pal experience.

i realllly need to paint or draw or photoshop some sort of rendition of what i was hallucinating the internet to look like, it was like all codex seraphinianus style text and just like photos of sponges and stuff. i started getting really into reading packaging and labels. like damn, niche humor has come full circle if i'm laughing my ass off at shampoo bottle copy. is this 'healthgoth/normcore'?

also the best way i could describe the general decor & furniture at the hospital would be "stouffer's salisbury steak." i really wish i could've taken photos while i was there but i did rip up a bunch of magazines to make collages? lol.

i was able to condense my entire skincare routine to 3 essentials: water, an orange, and a tube of chapstick. this was all i had at one point... basically i would be so good at camping now. also i'm not really a beach person but i kind of want to go to the beach soon? like a secluded one. just wanna go in2 the ocean i think it'd be fun.

anyway all of this probably happened because i used to micro-dose shrooms in high school.
tbh i stopped smoking as much weed and started retaining more information than i normally do and it hurt my brain. now i take #lithium in a small dose. but am mostly unmedicated i just take it at night to go to sleep.

back 2 the grind...

you can email me at kaitlinsimotics@gmail.com.
still working on big creative projects they just make more sense now because i'm sleeping now lmao.

also - finally got to listen to the new fiona apple record, i'm upset that my exes all got to listen to this before me. waiting to listen to it made it more special, but i think i like idler wheel better. that's my full review.

ttyl!

#emoweek

lovely weather we're having, no?

wanted to check in and log what i've been up to so i don't forget years from now. this is my scrapbook tbh. 

i think in order to keep myself somewhat balanced i started making to-do lists. the lists could definitely be compiled of more constructive activities but honestly i'm cutting myself some slack. "debone salmon", "dust off ceiling fan blades", "do not drink beer", "email reductress (beg)", "listen to the new yves tumor album" ... i feel like this to-do list unfortunately encompasses whatever emo portion of quarantine i'm experiencing at the moment. #emoweek continues - apparently it's monday today. 

i think the main contributors to my #emoweek would have to be 1) covid19 2) on my period 3) very emotional reconnection with my best friend from college 4) bought alcohol 

i'm literally the smartest woman on earth for purchasing dairy free ice cream at the grocery store before being locked in. i've never had such an intense and textbook menstrual cycle in my life. this is just something i felt like i needed to document outside of whatever the app i have on my phone is called. 

day 1

my brain like, completely regressed to being 15 and listening to girlpool's 2014 self-titled debut album on repeat. this made me read through all of my old music reviews from 2013 - 2016. honestly i had forgotten about a lot of the albums i apparently had incredibly strong opinions about at one point. this made me kind of sad. which prompted my day 2 activities. 

day 2 

naturally, it's time to listen to all of the albums i reviewed as a teenager, and form my own opinions on them now. are they good still? 

day 3

revisited the entire death grips discography, revisited the entire animal collective discography. (i seemed the most emotionally attached to these two bands purely through my writing.) 

i think i learned a lot about myself by reading through my old writing. i literally just used to send that sh*t out and then never look at it again when i initially started doing editorial work. i think writing journalistically was the structure i needed back then but to me, as a tween, it ultimately seemed stifling. this is why most of my live show reviews were my observations about like, what the crowd was wearing / if the show got an extreme or profound emotional response out of me or not. i really did not like writing for this publication but they honestly did give me an insane amount of freedom up until i got more serious and had less silly opinions. i'm honestly so glad that i still have printed copies of these reviews because it was f*cking hilarious in the first place that i was writing amongst only middle aged libertarian men about how much my little heart loved death grips. also like i had an article published where i, a 15 year old and very sexually confused girl, called sky ferreira hot. thank god that moment was documented! 

i simply decided that i'm not embarrassed about any of the people i've been/will become because that's life baby :P 

so to further go down the rabbit hole of my own tween brain and accept her as the rookie girl she was i used the mcf*cking wayback machine (again) to look at my blog from 2011-2013. the blog that let future editors know that not only could i write about music, but i could also make mildly disturbing fan art. not mildly disturbing because it was like 'scary' or something, it's just really weird that i was making james murphy fan art when i was 12, like i don't even really remember being that unhinged and carefree back then. kind of jealous of her...  

really into the whole "being vulnerable online" thing right now during #emoweek 

here's a playlist i made for my blog in the ripe year of 2011!!!

afternoon - youth lagoon 

lofticries - purity ring 

honey bunny - girls 

ffunny ffrends - unknown mortal orchestra

friend crush - friends 

blue jeans - lana del rey 

after the moment - craft spells 

it's real - real estate 

how i know - toro y moi 

freshborn - deerhoof  

honestly i've got to admit this is not even a bad playlist and all of these songs have a time and a place. i just cannot for the life of me believe that i organically got back into blogging after 7 years... honestly the blog has been deactivated for 7 years and i hadn't really thought about what i used to write on there until this week. turns out that i was dropping illegal download links to "vampire weekend full discography free download (seeding) The Pirate Bay" and ranting about dan deacon like a freak. 

glad i'm getting back to my roots! i think i'm going to start leaving angry comments on pitchfork articles now. 

baby brain unhinged!

i hate that #emoweek made me kind of resonate with one of these annoying paragraph memes about being sad/anxious. i usually hate these because it's too small to read and for me, a perfect meme is an instant cackle. my inner monologue has kind of been going in circles similarly to the way the text on this meme is written, which i don't really like. not as depressing but just being so self centered right now because i'm alone and thinking about me, me, me! like, i kind of feel like a sociopath for thinking so damn hard about myself but honestly i think rereading everything i'd ever written gave me a better sense of who i am as a writer/person. you're allowed to act like a nut job in quarantine if it's at the very least under the guise of self improvement/growth, right? 

on top of all of this i've been working on a 36x48 oil painting featuring the webMD logo. 

#theintersectionofartandtechnology 

also here's my spring playlist !! 

if the world ends, will i still be able to listen to mariah carey? 

dress up games!!!!!

hey guys,
it's raining during this beautiful quarantined day today and after finishing my book and dipping into the ol' janus films selection i figured now was a better time than ever to use the wayback machine to play dress up games i liked when i was a kid. i used to spend hours on these sites thinking about and trying on every single accessory, in order to perfect the look. it was really fun to play these games as a kid because you didn't have any money for / the boobs to fill out the tops incorporated in the looks you were so easily concocting for a sexy older girl - what was her story? should her bf wear trip pants with flames on them? and a chain wallet? it's fun to play these games now because you still don't have any money to spend on an american flag tube top & your boobs are probably too big or awkward to look good in something so decorative at this point.

the apex of early to mid 2000s virtual 'doll making' websites would have to be "thedollpalace.com" i've linked the homepage of the website because it's historical imo. they have an announcement bar on the side where "Jessica, the owner" writes about updates to the collection, etc.

i really wish more of my emails sounded like this announcement, it's a good one.

here is the link to the actual doll making page, obviously they have more than one but this is kind of all of them put together so it takes a while to load but there are so many more options than your standard dress up game. the different poses and body parts to choose from paired with what clothes work with those choices kind of make it like a puzzle playing experience too.

also okay, i'm playing right now. this is insanely confusing i have no idea how i was able to navigate this dilapidated site as a young girl.
here are my tips for being able to play this game more easily:

1. close the wayback machine pop up at the top of the screen, this will save you a lot of time.
2. to start building your doll, click on the the 'Add Item+' button.
3. a window should open up with different items to add, just click on those items and they should appear in the top left corner of the other window. (they would've been hidden by the wayback machine banner pop up otherwise - this was mostly the confusion i had. also i'm very stoned.)

not very often do i get this frustrated with a website... honestly just look around this one if anything. it kind of takes some patience. dress up games are supposed to dissolve stress not incite it.

here are some easier ones:

olsen twins
http://www.girlgames4u.com/olsen-twins-dress-up-game.html 
i like this one because not only can you dress up the olsen twins as adults, but you can also dress them up as children.

i'm trying to play a game called "extreme dental emergency" on girlgames4u.com right now and honestly you guys? these games are f*cking annoying and have not stood the test of time for me. i guess "extreme dental emergency" is a newer game, but the ads in between an allegedly "extreme" dental emergency kind of tosses all fantasy out of the window for me. 0/10 stars. graphics are wacky though. 10/10.

joanna newsom dress up game...?


okay this e-girl sneaker-head one really was a wild ride ...
https://www.dressupgames.com/diy-trendy-sneakers-design-and-dress-up-game 

not only am i wearing a 'subreme' cross body bag, but i designed my own 'dalenciaga' sneakers.


i think most of the fun in these websites would have to be from 'looking through options' so i urge anyone interested in this sort of thing to just click through the categories and find the games that speak to you. it's all a matter of preference. the world of online dress up games has changed so i don't really feel like someone with the authority to share my favorite picks in this category like i originally thought i was.
there are a ton of cute anime ones though. i recommend this link.

i'm not even going to get into websites like imvu where you can interact with other avatars right now but in short i do think that these games, along with those websites, helped out with my repressed homosexuality as a kid. it is fun to play around with gender on these sites too. i think that's why i like the doll palace drag and drop situation so much, you can really mix and match anything because it's just like a digital collage with pixel art essentially.

please send me screenshots of all of your outfits <3 xo


another good link i found after posting this:
http://elouai.com/chibi/harrypotter/icons.php

elouai is actually a pretty good dress up website, glad i remembered her.

here is my creation:

survivalist pussy mode activated

what a week we've had, huh? 

suburban culture is hilarious and comfortable, and i am actually really grateful to be at my father's house right now vs. doing god knows what (spiraling) at my house, with termites. this came as a surprise to me honestly because my dad is a libertarian and has been lowkey prepping for something like this for years now. this is actually the main reason why i was so hesitant to come to his house in the first place. this is kind of dark but honestly i decided that if shit did hit the fan, rather than go into survivalist pussy mode i would like to just be by myself smoking a blunt in the bathtub or something before eventually committing sui (as they say on reddit) in a beautiful and poetic way. it's just not in my nature to go into survivalist pussy mode - i'm literally way too idealistic and imaginative to be able to fight with people over toilet paper seriously. and i am way too stylish to go out like that. i was trying to imagine what my dad would be like in a crisis, and that thought was not very stylish to me. 

however, to my f*cking surprise i had it all wrong... my dad literally referred to himself as 'the tiki prepper' because as it turns out he was hoarding things like weed and rum for the apocalypse the entire time. like obviously canned food and first aid kits and stuff too, but like mainly things for him to enjoy before perishing i guess? it's not a bad thing to be prepared for emergencies if you also have a life outside of that and aren't just living in fear. realizing that my dad was actually just as invested in making sure he would be happy during an apocalypse in addition to having resources seemed less freaky and doomsday prepper-y to me. the whole prepper thing is also not like a huge aspect of his personality, but his politics are a little wacky. basically he distrusts the government and has a lot to say about aliens. he is actually way more normal than my mom, politically, at this point. i talked to my mom today for the first time all week and she informed me that there would be a 'social media blackout' in april and that coronavirus will cease to exist by good friday. she straight up had no receipts for any of these claims lol. i love my conspiracy theory parents <3 

thankfully i'm pretty normal and levelheaded. (at least i think so.)

(after having that big brained scary moment / mapping out my sui ideas to avoid survivalist pussy i had half a xanax and am fine now.) 

anyway, back to suburban culture. 

pros: 

- walking distance to really pretty trails and bodies of water. 

- clean.

- it's big and spread out so i can just go sit in a field and won't be bothered. 

somewhere in the middle between a pro and a con:

- everyone waves at you, and it's weird if you don't wave back.

- every child i have seen looks the same, and my brother is included. they all play fortnite and wear nike elite athletic socks which is funny and strange to me.  

- mcmansions 

cons: 

- just got invited to a barbecue at "the faulkners" and apparently they have a huge trampoline. 

- no one is social distancing, and everyone is at Marshall's returning their husband's cargo shorts that didn't quite fit right.

- everyone is straight. 

after smoking weed with my dad for the first time a few nights ago (inevitable during quarantine) he's been DMing me posts from @snoopdogg and @cheechandchong on instagram. i think this is really endearing!

this man literally built an entire tiki themed structure in his backyard, with running water and electricity, for the sole purpose of smoking weed in it. my dad loves weed, this is a gene i inherited from both of my parents. (i actually saw an old photo of my grandmother rolling a joint this week, i'm happy to continue the family tradition.) my dad is very discreet about it though because my brother is twelve years old, and kind of a narc for some reason? unfortunately, because of his discreetness (odorless vape) he walked in on me laying on the floor of the bedroom i'm staying in, dimly lit (obviously), jenny hval playing, candle lit, vibing - because he thought the sage i was burning was what weed smelled like and he didn't want my brother to smell it. i think seeing me just laying on the floor in that environment was far more shocking to him compared to him just thinking i had smoked weed inside. why on earth would i smoke weed inside if there is literally a designated weed smoking structure in the backyard? 

i think it's mostly just a flex piece on the other suburban dads. 

caroline and i facetimed for a few hours and watched lemony snicket's series of unfortunate events. (not the neil patrick harris version, obviously.) count olaf, despite his major character flaws, did kind of serve a myriad of looks in this film. whatever happened to count olaf? he kind of fell off more recently. 

and yesterday or the day before (i honestly have no idea, there is no perception of time in quarantine) i sat by a lake all day and painted watercolor landscapes. while all of you heathens were fixated on premarital sex, i (an intellectual) smoked weed by a lake and just sat in the sun, admiring all of the flowers blooming for spring. i'm simply in my walden pond bag right now and you can't handle it! 

if the weather wasn't so good i'm really not sure how i'd be doing cooped up like this. thankfully it's spring and i can walk on top of fallen cherry blossoms on the way to all of my nature destinations. 

i've simply read like 4 books, watched 3 movies, and now that i have access to a working laptop who knows what media i'll get into. most of my time has been dedicated to this somewhat realistic latch hook portrait of a horse i've been working on. i must admit that it looks fantastic thus far. sorry if this is considered to be bragging. 

honestly i'm quite thankful for this time to slow down, although i'm not really sure how i'll be paying my rent. (got laid off from the clickbait content farm due to covid related chaos, probably for the best though.) as usual - i will manifest rent. if i actually focus on feeling like i have rent already, i can bring rent into fruition. before i realized that you can actually manifest anything i was only unknowingly manifesting dumb shit like furniture i wanted. if you go back on my twitter feed you can actually see where i wrote something to the effect of "i want a midcentury modern credenza" and then just an hour later or something i wrote "just got a midcentury modern credenza for $24." so now i just have to tweet "i want free medicare for all" on twitter. another good underdeveloped manifestation story was when i manifested a tall boy can of enlightenmint yerba mate. i was literally fiending for that specific drink, specifically a tall boy, and was texting someone about how badly i wanted one. the building i worked in did not have this drink being sold anywhere but guess who walked into the store i was working in? a yerba mate rep offering me an ice cold free tall boy of enlightenmint yerba mate?? i was so thirsty... the yerba rep seemed angelic. 

anything you put energy into will come to you as if by magic, if it's meant for you. it's funny how you can feel things working in your favor sometimes. anyway, this is what i'll be focusing on so that i can pay rent. if anyone would like to know more about this, let me know. 

it's honestly miraculous that the second i filled up my notebook this laptop started working again. 

god said get on blogger.com, bitch! anyone else undergoing a major stirring of consciousness during this quarantine? 

i totally forgot what it was like to facetime with people for a really long period of time - everyone literally is like 'hold on i need to go pee' and you can just hear them pee in the background. this is bonding! 

"love in the age of coronavirus"

it is simply true that i've probably already made too many covid jokes. when something is relatable to everyone on earth it's kind of hard not to lean into that urge to post though. i feel like maybe if anyone was going to get this virus it would probably be me because i'm special and cute. so it's convenient that i'm usually already in quarantine, churning out clickbait for the content mill. i feel like (comedically speaking) it's my time to shine as someone who self isolates and loves it.

here's what i bought at the grocery store to sustain me through the indefinite quarantine: 

- a bag of radishes 

- 3 large bottles of flavored seltzer water (on sale for 60¢) (fuji apple, tangerine mango, and blackberry lemonade) 

- 3 cans of solid white albacore tuna (???)

- 2 boxes of gluten free pasta 

- 1 box of not gluten free pasta 

- 'very vanilla' soymilk from the brand 'silk' 

- a family sized box of 'pops' cereal 

- 1 cucumber 

- 1 pint of cute and sweet cherry tomatoes

- 1 5lb sack of clementines (should have gotten more, i'm such an idiot. going to eat these in like 1 or 2 days probably)

-  baby swiss cheese 

- arugula 

- bacon 

- 1 70¢ loaf of 'everything bagel' flavored 'french bread' 

- white wine 

- a 40oz of colt 45

- 2 frozen pizzas 

- 1 avocado lol 

- 3 packs of marlboro red 100s (i'm going to have to ration these. hopefully the quarantine forces me to stop smoking.) 

- AA batteries for vibrator 

- cat food 

- gummy candy <3 xo 

now that i've written all of this out i can see that my shopping list is incredibly whack, for whatever reason though... this is what made sense to me while i was in the grocery store. 

my roommate is going to utah to see her dad and maybe i will dip into her supply if she gets stuck there. 

here are my plans for the quarantine: 

- finish all paintings i have started, start 3 more

- twitter.com 

- learn how to walk on water. i have a moat in my backyard that i feel could be utilized more (?) 

- learn russian or something

- eat clementines

- commit all of the seven deadly sins

- write 14 books 

- easily get all 14 books published through major publishing houses because they're good

- record 7 studio albums with bonus tracks (music videos for each song - is that just a visual album?) 

- record a fake boiler room dj set video (green screen)

- record a fake lot radio dj set video (green screen) 

- figure out the termite situation in my house - they are literally chewing through the wall right now and it's really freaky and i don't know what to do. where should i move when my lease is up in summer... maybe i'm done with atlanta... wow... damn the termites got me that f*cked up i guess. 

honestly though i should just sublease my room in this house and just go be crazy elsewhere for a while. "live off the land..." coronavirus is kind of 'harshing my mellow' ? (do people say this?) is it selfish to keep my travel plans - like i said i would probably get this virus based off of everything else i've experienced in my lifetime. it just seems like it might just be 'part of my story' but who knows. 

anyway, isn't this, like, the funniest thing you've ever seen?

actually you know what? i'm far too cute to acquire covid. 

cancelling my flights xo even though i want to purchase more tickets because they're so d*mn cheap right now. 

honestly, i was going to go to nyc and then take a $40 amtrak to albany to surprise the hoes in vermont but bennington campus is on lockdown and it's cold there right now anyway... i need to see the lush green mountains... you're all invited. beautiful photo ops. and i have been thinking about this one sandwich in albany, ny everyday for like 2 years straight now. mommy wants. 1 day... 

hope you're happy, jeff!

i've been watching this dandelion grow in my neighbor's yard for like a week now, to the point where i've felt some sort of responsibility over it. when it finally grew into itself and got that cool wispy white hair i was like, okay, it's time for me to help you fill out your fafsa applications. little did i know that i'd wake up early enough today to catch my neighbor on his way to work. his name is jeff and we have "joint custody" of my cat, blanche. she doesn't really go over to his house, which is kind of sad because he lives alone and bought a litter box and everything for her.
anyway, so jeff comes out of his house to hop into his red 4 door car, i have to assume he stops at dunkin' donuts or something on the way to work - it kind of seems like his style. but do you know what he did before getting in the car? i watched this while smoking on my stoop... this man had the audacity to pick the dandelion! he waved at me and said good morning - went on to blow the little particles away - and then said "i hope my wish comes true!" if you know jeff this seems like a very fabricated story, right? he's not full of much whimsy, and based on his youtube account that i found by having his phone number saved he's into coding and thai food only. this seems like a red flag to me but he's nice enough and has a great grilling set-up and a huge porch. one day maybe we'll hang out - but i have invited him to like two dinner parties now and he straight up just will not respond to my texts unless it's about blanche.
technically the dandelion was on his property, so i can't really get too upset with him.
our households are very different so i guess i can also imagine why he would be weary about coming to a dinner party purely based off of the few interactions that we've had over the past two years.
it's probably hard for him to forget about there once being a broken toilet with the word "thot" spray painted on it in my backyard though. there's also absolutely no way he hasn't heard me listening to donny osmond or something (max volume) at 5am with the windows open. we don't have parties that often at my house but when we do they're ridiculous also. this is why i have hay bails in my backyard still, this is why there was a pack of adult diapers getting gross in the rain for weeks under the carport.

in a perfect world i feel like i could impress him if i cooked thai food for him, and then we could be friends.

what's really boggling me about this entire 'dandelion debacle' though? what the h*ll did that guy wish for? soylent subscription? new beard trimmer? car air freshener? two monitors and a rainbow light-up keyboard? noise cancelling headphones?

every time i see him i'm like "this guy would love noise cancelling headphones as a gift." not because he's like a curmudgeon, he's actually never made a noise complaint which is nice of him. he actually asked me what i was listening to the other day which was cute. i think he would like noise cancelling headphones simply because he seems like he would like to hear things better. i can imagine him listening to maybe 'grizzly bear' or 'the black keys' - i'm painting you (what i believe) to be a very well rounded portrait of this guy.

for loungewear i imagine him maybe wearing one of those t-shirts from the movie "the hangover" where there is a baby wearing sunglasses on the front of it. he is either wearing this shirt or a full length silk nightgown with matching nightcap, and stockings. jk i don't think he would ever wear this, but it is funny to think about him potentially wearing that. i can picture him wandering around his renovated two bedroom in this outfit, carrying around a candle with engraved snuffer, trying to fix himself a tempeh sandwich or something in the middle of the night.

but honestly he seems like a pretty levelheaded and nice 30 something year old guy who works in tech and wears button-downs. he definitely likes craft beer, so i thought i would be nice and invite him over for dinner. he went out of town for thanksgiving last year and left a bunch of cat food on my porch with a note attached saying that the food was for blanche. did he think i was going to eat it all before her? he also said "let me know if you need anything" and included his number (leading me to his youtube.) i think this is pretty open ended and i will probably ask to use his grill when it gets warmer out.

i don't think jeff has really ever seen me in a normal outfit. as someone who works from home i am constantly wearing something i don't think i would go out in public in. he has seen me in these bootleg victoria secret pink sweatpants that just say "LOVE" all over them instead of "PINK." they say "dept. of love" or "property of love" in athletic font which i think is really funny. and it's like if i'm going out to smoke i'm just throwing on the first coat i see - and obviously the first coat i see is like a red fur coat because it's a red fur coat.

what i'm saying is that i'd like to hang out with my boring neighbor jeff because i feel like it's too easy for me to just turn him into a caricature of what i imagine him to be like without really having much interaction with him.

i really hope he never reads this, but if he does - i'm really sorry your herb garden died so quickly when you planted it, jeff. i noticed. & there will be other dandelions for me to project my delusions onto in the future! no worries! you're one of the most normal people in my life, i can't lose you bro.

ok final answer for what he wished for though: brooklinen sheets. 



p.s i feel like putting the time and energy into typing this out is going to actually manifest more of a relationship between my boring neighbor jeff and i. what if he turns out to be a circus freak? or addicted to coffee enemas? i'll keep you guys posted. 

p.p.s is this considered fan-fiction? i'm tagging it as fanfic because of the vision of him in his nighttime look eating a tempeh sandwich.